Being single is a choice. It is a choice I make on a daily basis. I refuse to settle. I enjoy being single because I have the freedom to do whatever I want, whenever I want. I am a strong, independent woman and I don’t need a man! * sassy finger snaps * I love to travel and be spontaneous and party with my friends. I love not having to explain myself or defend my actions to a significant other.
As much as I love being single, or claim to love being single, a small part of me longs for a relationship. As I get older, my friends are getting tied down and it feels like I’m losing them. They’re still here, and I know they would be there for me if I needed them, but they have other things going on in their lives, other things vying for their time, other priorities and commitments. I miss the closeness of having a boyfriend, someone I can talk to at any time of day about anything at all. A partner, a best friend I can cuddle and makeout with.
When I think about finding a boyfriend, it scares me. I would NOT want to date any of the guys I currently know, and where do you meet guys, anyway? Then I look at myself. What type of guys am I hanging out with that none of them are dateable? What life choices am I making that are preventing me from finding love? I think of the type of guy I want to be with, and honestly, he wouldn’t want to be with the person I am right now.
I tell myself that having a boyfriend will make me want to drink and go out less, to stop smoking, and to workout more, but would it really? If a guy actually wanted to date me as I am, would he really care enough to motivate me and help me stop destroying my mind and body? I don’t think he would. Good guys don’t date smokers who swear like a sailor and party til dawn on a regular basis.
I’ve grown up so much in the past few years, but I am still so immature. I think I am old and wise, but I’m realizing that I still don’t know anything. I need to become who I want to be before I can find someone I want to be with, that wants to be with me. Starting today, I choose. I choose to love myself and the person I am becoming. I choose to be the type of person who is worth loving. I choose to make choices that will lead me to a brighter future.
Being single is a choice. I will remain single until I get my life headed in the right direction. (And by right direction, I mean quitting smoking, making it to the gym at least twice a week, cutting back on the cursing, and trying to eat something other than pizza.)