1. Is the guy downstairs really washing laundry at 1am, or is he having an epileptic fit on hardwood? Clunk-clunk, clunk-clunk. First question, do I care? If so, maybe I should call an ambulance. If not, a stretchy voodoo doll could come in handy.
2. Oh man. My bin stinks. It stinks so bad I could use it like the world’s foulest smelling Vicks Vaporub ever. Bam and the snot is gone! Wait. That’s not my used condom/mouldy chicken/grandma’s toenail collection. …Thanks 12D.
3. Sex is great. It’s even greater when you’re the one having it. Thanks 10A, I get it. Ok? Also, college shower blocks. Pain in the ass. What happens when I forget my towel/underwear/body wash? Nudie run anyone?
4. Huh – I thought cats/dogs/hamsters/rats/boa constrictors weren’t permitted in this complex…
5. Awkward stairwell/elevator conversations. No I don’t really actually want to know my neighbours, thanks Community Watch. Or talk to them. Or see them. Definitely not smell them. Yeah.
6. I live in a top floor apartment at the current time. We have stairs, lots of stairs. Getting the fridge up there was a bitch. And the couch. The washing machine. My bed frame. The TV. And duchess. You get the picture.
7. The toilets have to drain somewhere. Too bad the pipe that leads down to the sewer is directly under my floor. I sincerely and emphatically hope this never happens to you. I have found people poop a lot in my complex.
8. If you have a genuine complaint about a neighbour i.e. loud parties, music at 2am, gross balcony habits etc. complaining is a risk. Why? If they’re a seven foot bikie, they know where you live. Intimately.
9. As previously mentioned, having loud parties? Risky. Dirty 30 at the flamingo themed pub anyone? No?
10. Making any changes has to be approved by the management/Body Corporate. Air conditioning, pizza oven, new railings on the balcony. You know? All the good stuff. Your place, even if you own it, isn’t really yours.