I’ve been exhausted, physically and mentally. I felt that I have been teetering on the edge this past year of my life. Although I bask in the knowledge that I am alive, I have not truly been myself or at my fullest capacity.
This past year, I searched for answers. I kept searching, but I was met with closed door after closed door. There was still so much uncertainty. God, I couldn’t understand. Why weren’t you answering me? I felt disheartened. I felt anger and betrayal, wondering if Your plans were still to prosper.
The no-exact-reason-to-be-sad days became a frequent visitor. I felt cornered. I felt trapped between a rock and a hard place. I reminded myself of the many things I could still be grateful for, but the voice of my thoughts could never be hushed fully.
It felt like everything was falling apart. There were circumstances I couldn’t solve on my own, no matter how long I wracked my brain for answers. I felt I was without purpose, even before finishing my studies. I questioned what I was doing and why I was doing all this. Where was the love and passion that once was? With my no-exact-reason-to-be-sad days, for a while, all I could do was watch everything I was crumble.
God, today I am saying thank you.
Because today, You gave me a second chance. A second chance to make things better, to make things right.
Maybe I still don’t know why I’m doing what I’m doing. Maybe there are still things I still lack the answers to. Maybe the no-exact-reason-to-be-sad days won’t all go away. Maybe there are things I can never get closure for.
But God, You answered me today. Thank You. You bought me time. You saw my despair, and You reminded me that love is still able to manifest in many other ways. You reminded me that I was cared for, that I was not alone. That You were always there, even through the times I felt that I was shouting into thin air.
You gave me a second chance to try to be better for me.
You gave me a second chance to try to live again.