1. Did a grand total of nothing for 8 hours. Had an incredibly busy day the day before and boss told me “I see you’ve been productive, keep up the good work.”
2. The “executive bathroom,” exclusively for the CEO, happens to be directly across the hallway from my office. Whenever I believe he’s away, I use it. It makes me feel like the “King, sitting on his throne.”
3. Stole a whole cheesecake from Denny’s after my shift. The manager saw me on the camera but luckily my coworker also saw and covered my ass saying that I pre paid for the cheesecake. The manager believed it.
4. Sometimes I sneak bottles of cleaning chemicals out so I can clean my house nicely. I live a dangerous life.
5. I’ve successfully jerked off at every job I’ve ever had.
6. In a supermarket, I used to reduce items that were going out of date to 1-5p (depending on how generous I was feeling), hide them out back until the shop was about to close, then buy them.
It was a pretty common thing among lower employees. Did it for a year or so before someone else was caught taking home 10 pizzas every night. But twice a week, I’d come home with expensive desserts (trifle, profiteroles, tarts), for virtually no money.
7. Back in college I worked for a medium sized law firm. Among other office tasks, I was responsible for booking business trips (flights, hotels, rental cars, etc.). Used to milk every last cent out of whatever bonus program (rewards, cash back websites, affiliate programs, credit card points – you name it) I could get my hands on and pocket them. Since there were at least 5 bookings a day, you can see that this did add up eventually. When I left after about two years, I had raked in about half a million frequent flyer miles (through credit card points), something in the area of half a year’s worth of hotel nights and easily many thousand € of cash. Didn’t get caught.
8. Fucked the bosses son in the conference room. For clarity, he [the son] also happened to be my husband.
9. Worked as a waitress in a small Italian restaurant. Had sex with the manager in the walk in refrigerator… which is consequently why I told my friends never to eat the salads there.
10. I Sleep in the lactation room in the womens’ bathroom when I’m tired and don’t want to be bothered. It has a lazy boy.
11. Spat in a customer’s drink after he was done yelling at one of us on register for not having the chocolate powder ready at the condiments bar. Been decafing him ever since.
12. Used to work at Panera bread. A coworker and I used to have massive fights with the leftover breads… nothing is worse than a buttery croissant in your back and a shot of powdered sugar in your hair. We got away with it though.
13. I worked in China as an English speaker to help the kids learn English. I was in no way trained to deal with the little spoilt wretches so I would always call them cunts and tell them to shut the fuck up when they went bananas.