I already know you’re reading this with a cunty ‘girl, please’ look on your face, so let me just get it out there: Tom Cruise is still bangable.
I know, I know, this isn’t 1988 (even if the hipsters are still dressing like it is), and Tommy’s been through the wringer in recent years. He got shit for jumping on Oprah’s couch (whatever, I like an unstable man), and every other Perez Hilton entry mentions his homosexual tendencies (bisexual men exist, people). But let’s get real here. Tom Cruise would be a great fuck.
There are several physical reasons why I would still rub nalgas with Tom Cruise. Because crooked teeth are hot. Because flippy teen heartthrob hair is perfect for grabbing when it’s between your legs. Because I’m sure that his constant desire to prove how straight he is would make him really skilled at eatin’ the vajeen. Because even though his dick is probably average, he probably gets that shit professionally groomed and I wouldn’t have to worry about pubes up my nose (it’s probably peen-dazzled!). Because I’m sure he’s always wearing clean underwear. Because I’m sure they’re briefs. Because I wouldn’t have to put a bag over his head to get off, which is a change from most dudes I hook up with (ziiiiing!). He’d do me on the wall like in Jerry Maguire (finally a man whose height is close enough to mine to make this happen) and I’d let the damn dog watch. He would compliment my Betsey Johnson lingerie (back-handedly, of course), and he would tell me my post-sex hair is tres chic.
Of course, Tommy Boy is still married to his droid of a wife, Katie Holmes. She’s either pregnant or rumored to be pregnant every third week of InTouch magazine, and she hardly does shit anymore besides Ann Taylor ads that get defaced in the metro and the occasional made-for-tv movie (to whoever cast her as Jackie O: HAHAHAHA). This is why TC is such a gem. Is Katie happy? Of course she is. She doesn’t have to do shit. She drinks the Scientology Kool-Aid and she dresses her toddler in high heels. Does Katie even talk? Did she sell her voice to become the wife of Cruise in a deal with Ursula (or a deal with his manager)? It doesn’t take a higher IQ than 80 to impress TomTom. Which means I’m set. After our tryst, Katie would send me a thank you card that reads “Dear Lily, thank you for distracting Tom long enough for me to Skype with Chris Klein again, LYLAS, Joey/KT <3.” It would be on strawberry-scented paper, of course.
Even if Tom’s a big ‘mo, at least we have the same taste in men. Rumored Cruise boyfriends are Rob Thomas (I’d hit it), John Travolta (ehhh, why not), and Penelope Cruz (know this is true, know she’s a female, know I’d still hit it). Cruise wants to bring a third into the bedroom? EIFFEL TOWER, YA’LL!
I also like to live my life dangerously. By banging a married celebrity, I’d be sure to get tons of hate mail. I’d garner anthrax letters from crazy internet people and I’d also get to sell my story to HELLO! magazine for a phone number-like dollar amount. I’d tell the mag that Tommy’s a freak in the sheets and that he liked things in his no-no while we watched Risky Business back to back with War of the Worlds. I’d say he liked to be called ‘Maverick’ in bed. I’d leak our sex tape, which would be shot by Lars von Trier and narrated by Sir Ben Kingsley (all at the request of TC).
At the end of the day, I would picture Tom as the same kid who wooed the ladies in Cocktail.
He’d be charming and precious, and I would finally have someone gossip about when he and Rob Thomas were at parties together.
So shut up. You would totally hit it too.