What I Actually Think During A Random Hook Up

Alright cool, we’re hooking up. I found you at the bar, you do something in marketing, and you’re wearing Sperrys. You’re pretty much the epitome of dudes I hated in college. I hope the sex is worth the last hour I’ve spent listening to you talk about how you’ve met The Black Keys. You’re not the hottest person I’ve ever kissed, but you’re okay, and you’re nice, and you’re a pretty good kisser, so I mean whatever. Bite my lower lip. Yeah that’s it. Do I smell alright? I got this perfume from my last ex, ha, bet it would be weird if you knew that. Man, I’m drunk.

Woo, you’re getting handsy. I’ll kiss your neck, I guess, because you kissed mine so you’ve already guilted me into kissing yours. Okay, let’s make out again. Why are your eyes open? Who the hell kisses with their eyes open? Now my eyes are open. We’re looking at each other while we’re kissing. Am I the only one who thinks this is really weird right now?

You’re trying to take off my bra. No, I don’t want to sit up while we’re making out, because then you can see the lines in my stomach (and they ain’t from a six pack) as my pudge rolls over the top of my jeans. Why is it so difficult for guys to undo a bra? Fuck it, I’ll just take it off myself. You want to take my jeans off? Alright, fine, I hope my underwear isn’t all bunched up on the sides. These are lace, these are hot. I hope I don’t have any razor burn. I hope I’ve even shaved recently. Okay, I have, good.

Is your name Mark or Mike? You clearly want me to take your pants off. Ugh, so much work. Can’t you just take your pants off yourself? It’s so awkward when I have to pull your pants off of you. You’re a grown man. Undress your own damn self. No, but seriously, just take your pants off because you’re making me feel weird. I hope you don’t expect a blow job because unless you have a 10-inch wiener, it’s probably not going to happen.

So you’re attempting to finger bang me. I’m pretty wasted, so I’m going to pull my best Mary Carey shit. You like those moans? I deserve an Oscar for this performance. A Tony if my vagina could detach itself and dance around this bed. That would be so fucking weird. I’m going to say an M-name and hope it’s the right one. I’m touching your dick because I want to know if it’s big enough to stay awake for. What the fuck time is it? I feel like it’s 4 a.m. Holy shit, it is 4 a.m. Your dick is alright. If you have condoms, we’ll bang. If not, we won’t. Ugh, I need a nap.

Your hand isn’t doing anything for me at this point, so I guess we’ll give your dong a go. Condom on, socks off, put it in. Okay, it’s in. I wonder what’s going on with Afghanistan right now? It’s really sad Ryan Dunn died. Um, seriously, don’t jack rabbit me. What’s with your face? Your sex face is really weirding me out right now. I’m definitely going to text my friends about this tomorrow when I’m sober. Sure, you can do me from behind, whatever. This sheet is nice and cold on my face.

Welp, you flipped me back over. We’ve been doing this for like ten minutes, and my review of you is pretty much whatever. Everything about this is whatever. Your pecs are nice. Do you really have a tattoo on your hip that says “Lucky You??” Are you serious? I can’t wait to not talk to you again.

You’re making that weird face again. This was better when I wasn’t facing you. Woooo, those kamikazes feel awesome sloshing around in my stomach! No they don’t. You get off. You make a really weird noise. You sound like a mix between an old jalopy starting and a radio with bad reception. You collapse on top of me. Sir, we are not close enough for you to lie on top of me. How is it that I hate when strangers touch me on the metro but I love banging strangers I met at the bar an hour ago? Thank God we’re at your place so I can leave. You’re still lying on me. Get awwwwffff.

I smell like your sweat and the barf-worthy aroma of latex condoms. Walk of shame time! Does it count as a walk of shame if it’s at 4:30 in the morning? That’s still like last night, right? I didn’t give you my number, but I’ll probably look you up on Twitter. I probably won’t find you because I won’t have the right name. This cab driver definitely thinks I’m a whore.

Birds are chirping. Fuck those birds. In bed. Too lazy to shower your sweat and my make-up off my body. Your sex face is burned into my retinas. I’m laughing as I pass the fuck out. TC mark

image - Mickipedia

More From Thought Catalog

  • Guest

    Someone seriously took a snapshot of my most annoyed and almost shameful moments in my life and typed it out.

  • Guest

    Someone seriously took a snapshot of my most annoyed and almost shameful moments in my life and typed it out.

  • http://www.facebook.com/seikel Steve Seikel

    FUCK THOSE BIRDS.

    • http://twitter.com/godworm Nicholas Cox

      Birdsongs are God’s way of saying “Why the fuck are you still awake?”

  • Nicole

    This is too funny. You covered just about everything.

  • Kim Windyka

    A+

  • kayla

    this happened friday except a slice of pizza followed and there was no cab ride. 

    • http://twitter.com/recycledstars Paula W

      Mmm worth it for the pizza.

  • http://twitter.com/multislack Sandhya

    This is by far the best thing I’ve read so for on this site. Love it.

    • http://www.facebook.com/profile.php?id=1750347808 Annette Iris Rivera

      Really? That is mildly depressing. 

      Actually it is extremely fucking depressing. 

      There are about 5 writers on TC worth reading. This lady ain’t one of them. But she may be fucking one of them. 

  • http://twitter.com/and_susan Susie Anderson

    some legit ass stuff there gurl

  • NobodyMuch

    Wow,  some things never change.  Except, I remember doing this in parking lots.  I measured my hand from top to bottom so I could tell a guy’s size through his pants.  You must be *thisbig* to ride this ride…

  • http://twitter.com/IsaacZS Isaac

    A very cynical and sarcastic attitude towards the everyday activity of anonymous sex, I like this a lot.

  • PalpableSarcasm

    This article was funny and well written and totally unique. TC never publishes articles about bored, shameful hook ups. This is new and interesting. 

    • Mr Shankly

      People like you are the reason I usually enjoy reading the comments section far more than the article itself.

    • http://www.facebook.com/profile.php?id=501809676 Francesca Filardo

      Your sarcasm is completely original.

      Ok, so this isn’t a new concept for TC. But it was DAMN FUNNY. I don’t care if it was well written or not, I laughed almost the entire way through it.

      Get laid. 

      • PalpableSarcasm

        I am a [twenty something] female. Hooking up randomly at bars makes me feel independent. I think Chelsea Handler is a good writer. Appearing bored with sex/men makes me seem edgy and interesting in a hip-cynical way. I just want to fuck big dicks and post about it on TC so I can connect/impress [twenty something] year old females. Hey, do you girls smoke cigarettes? 

      • PalpableSarcasm

        I am a [twenty something] female. Hooking up randomly at bars makes me feel independent. I think Chelsea Handler is a good writer. Appearing bored with sex/men makes me seem edgy and interesting in a hip-cynical way. I just want to fuck big dicks and post about it on TC so I can connect/impress [twenty something] year old females. Hey, do you girls smoke cigarettes? 

      • Sippycup

         He/She’s got you there.

      • Can you taste the bitterness?

        PalpableSarcasm’s bitter cause he ain’t getting laid..:)

      • PalpableSarcasm

        Not getting laid is my problem. You are right. Psychology major? You’re really smart.

      • http://www.oneyearintexas.com Perfect Circles

        I like this gimmick even if I don’t always agree with its consequences.

      • A friendly suggestion

        Palpable, please, you are embarrassing yourself!!   We all know if you were offered a random hookup by a twenty-something at a bar, well, you’d be the last to turn it down..:D.
        GET LAID!

      • anon

        do we really have to use shaming language like “get laid” here

  • lynd

    Love the article, love the tags.

  • http://jonathanfigaro.com Jonathanfigaro

    Too trucking funny. 

  • Megan

    lady, you’re a fucking goddess.

  • ThatGuy

    Letting a guy fuck you who you don’t like doesn’t make you hip or a better writer clearly, it just makes you slutty. 

    This girl has no self respect.

    • Megan

      double standard much? (cue neo-feminist bullshitting) but seriously. there is a time and a place for random hook-ups. sometimes, they are exactly what you need.

    • cady

      yes i am sure this girl is the only girl in the entire world who has ever “let a guy fuck her” (how passive! how demure!) when she’s not completely fucking in love with him. and i’m sure any girl who does such an outrageously SLUTTY thing has absolutely NO self respect because i mean who in their sane and right mind would ever have casual sex and not feel horrible about it?? the shame, THE SHAME!

      grow up, appropriately named “that guy”

    • http://twitter.com/recycledstars Paula W

      Oh fuck off. By the sounds of it, you’re lucky women have sex with men they don’t like, otherwise, you’d be celibate.

  • http://www.facebook.com/profile.php?id=42002098 Mage Baltes

    Thanks for writing this. You’ve definitely convinced me to continue not having random hook ups.

  • Jic2c

    hahaha it’s funny b/c it’s true. I’ve had one hookup before & this was pretty much my thinking process minus the taxi. I drove myself home :/

  • Jic2c

    hahaha it’s funny b/c it’s true. I’ve had one hookup before & this was pretty much my thinking process minus the taxi. I drove myself home :/

  • Nope

    article should be titled ‘a slut’s shame’

    • shut up already

      haha fuck that noise bro

    • stfu

      You’re the one that should be ashamed. Being a bigoted dickhole sure is worse than having a lousy one night stand in my (and a whole hell of a lot of other people’s) opinion.

    • http://www.facebook.com/jinstellakwon Jin Stella Kwon

      why do idiots like NOPE feel the need to describe women using the term slut? 

      ugh. irks the shit out of me.

    • http://www.facebook.com/jinstellakwon Jin Stella Kwon

      why do idiots like NOPE feel the need to describe women using the term slut? 

      ugh. irks the shit out of me.

  • Anonymous

    tinyurl.com/2df4ccp

  • Clowve

    The tags are made of win.

    • Anonymous

      true.

  • erin

    so glad i have never had casual sex. ugh…i need to take 10 showers after reading this.

    this is the “issue” with our “society”: How is it that I hate when strangers touch me on the metro but I love banging strangers I met at the bar an hour ago?

  • His mom

    This gave me a boner..
    And I wish there was music and hooking up on the “metro”
    Urban life is lame

  • His mom

    This gave me a boner..
    And I wish there was music and hooking up on the “metro”
    Urban life is lame

  • Another nasty "slut" !

    People are calling this slutty? OH, C’MON!  Not all girls need to be serenaded and told “I LOVE YOU” at a candlelight dinner to want to fuck someone. Some girls like it nasty sometimes. Girls shouldn’t be called “sluts” in this day and age, stop living  like it’s the 50’s…it’s fuckin’ 2011.

    • MENOTYOU

      She didnt even want to fuck she was doing it to do it . the explained sex seems pretty boring i would popped on her face an told her to get out “Whore”

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