Dealing With Addiction (To Coffee)

Iced skinny caramel macchiato. Venti.

I’m writing this as chills are being sent up my spine, the empty Starbucks cup next to me. I grab the cup and slurp up the last few brown drops hidden beneath tiny ice cubes. Soon I’ll take off the top and throw it back like I’m a freshman at a frat party, trying to get drunk off of the legal drug that supposedly can make some people hear voices.

I never drank coffee before I worked for the federal government. I had the occasional tea, but prided myself on never having drank a cup of the brown stuff in my life. Boy, how things change. On my way to the metro, a Starbucks was on my route, its mermaid creature singing sweetly for me to come in and drink its nectar. That bitch.

Finally, I caved.

What emerged was an addiction. I started off with a grande caramel macchiato, which for a few days, made me feel like I had mainlined an Adderall 25 XR circa 2007. It was the high with no blue snot. I didn’t have to clean up blue dust that stained my porous desk. I didn’t have to sketchily find a credit card and chop up a pill that I’d bought from some dude at the local DKE frat, which could have been a fucking aspirin for all I knew.

Then, it stopped working. I’d have a grande, and I still felt tired. So I had no choice but to up my tolerance to the ultimate in Starbucks size: venti.

No longer do I feel like I’m just high on Adderall. Now I’m just straight up high. I’m at a dubstep show on stage with Rusko as he turns out some sick shit and I’m dancing like the Wobble girl. Mary Kate’s texting me about a gnarly afterparty, and Kreayshawn is driving. I haven’t eaten in three days and I’m SUPER skinny, and my hip bones are protruding and I’m a sample size small. Opening Ceremony is trying to get me to design a line of clothes for them and Chloë Sevigny says I’m her style icon. Stephen Dorff wants to know if I want to go to Hawaii for the weekend. I tell him “sorry, Stephen, but I’ll be binge (coffee) drinking with Britney.” There will be no faux suicide attempts this weekend. I’m making ‘fetch’ happen, and I’m replacing Ryan Seacrest as the host of American Idol; I’m also a contestant and I’m the winner.

I’m writing this, dreading that soon the buzz will wear off. In January, Starbucks cockteased me by saying they were coming out with the trenta—916 mL of fantasy-inducing goodness. They told me it was coming out May 3. Yet, it’s June, and still no trenta. No coffee cup that’s bigger than the human stomach. No coffee that can force me to literally not eat all day. No coffee cup that can hold a bottle of wine.

Sure, some of you are calling bullshit. “I drink coffee all the time and I’m fine!” “Your tolerance is really low!” “Caffeine isn’t a drug!” Fuck you. Coffee is my Four Loco without the hangover that makes me want to torture myself like a fucking Saw character. Starbucks is my supplier, located conveniently on the corner near the metro with the dog shit on the sidewalk. The Hispanic man who makes my coffee smiles as he hands my drug across the counter, like he’s saying “enjoy your morning, bitch! Thanks for buying enough of this shit to pay my weekly salary!”

Coffee makes the bitch at my office tolerable. I can slap on a fake smile and pretend she’s not a horrible human being, and I can listen to Nicki Minaj without feeling like a sellout. I can crank out bullshit assignments at 8 a.m. Coffee makes me feel like fucking Grace Jones as I walk down the office hallway. I might work for the government, but I’m the biggest legal drug buyer since ugly hippies discovered salvia (RIP).

If you don’t drink coffee, you’re stupid. Get on my level. TC mark

image – Calgary Reviews


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  • Sharif Youssef

    More articles from Thea. I don't care about what.

  • Michael Koh

    Drinking coffee as I read this. Coffee is nothing compared to adderall.

    • Sharif Youssef

      Adderall gets stuck in my throat unless I lube my throat with coffee as it goes down.

    • Katgeorge

      I'm drinking coffee too. It's much more tasty than Adderall.

      • Michael Koh

        Tastes better than 'Four Lo[k]o' too.

  • Taylor

    “If you don’t drink coffee, you’re stupid. Get on my level.” Quotes like this are why I read Thought Catalogue.  This was great.

  • Mullet4tennis

    As a Starbucks barista I'd like to point out that the Trenta is indeed already available; however, it is only available to iced coffees, iced teas, and iced tea lemonades.

  • Me

    There's the same amount of coffee in a grande as a venti…

    • Ray

      not if she's drinking it iced. three espresso shots in an iced venti. hate that i am en ex-sbux barista and know this haha

  • teal

    I’m making ‘fetch’ happen

    I'm disappointed in  myself that I get this reference.

    • Aelya

      Don't be.

  • K9

    You don't sound like you've dealt with your addiction, though.

  • deb

    Charlie Sheen is that you?

  • Spencer Niemetz

    I have no idea what I just read because I just woke up and I haven't had my coffee yet.

  • Alex Thayer

    incredible piece of reality

  • Guest666

    ewwwww starbuxxx ewwwwww get on myyyyyyyyy level

    • Guest666

      also it was cool how you mentioned a famous dubstep producer/dj and a dope clothing store and kreayshawn in the same paragraph.

  • Javier Pickle

    iced skinny caramel macchiato  =/= coffee

  • coffeeandinternets

    It sounds like you're describing chopping up and snorting immediate release 10mg Adderalls. Which, I mean, why? What part of the word 'immediate' makes people want to snort it?

    This isn't the first time I've read/heard of people doing this, but in my experience snorting that shit is reserved for the extended release because you don't feel like…extending the release.

    Not hatin', just sayin'.

    This is Captain Obvious, signing out~

  • Rasmusantonsen

    I dig that you like coffee, as I am very addicted myself. But the coffee(related)-drinks you described are weak. You might as well have posted a piece on you caramel addiction – I think that actually might be more accurate.

    • average girl

      with a venti caramel macchiato, it's more likely that you are on a sugar high, rather than a caffeine induced “high”.

  • Aelya

    I get what you're saying, but if you had a coffee addiction, you'd drink it with milk +  no sugar, or straight up black + no sugar. You might be better off just drinking the flavour syrups…

  • James Crichton

    “Mainlining” means injecting a drug intravenously.

  • mememe

    Starbucks isn't coffee!  Get a coffee maker!  Heck, my family grows our own coffee beans.  Then you can talk about caffeine addiction.  Also, it's not an addiction.  It's a way of life.

  • Nina Thomas

    I have yet to encounter an addiction to starbucks but letme tell you chocolate is the shizz

  • Danielle

    WE GET THE EXACT SAME DRINK! that made me so inexplicably happy.

  • Ischra Centeno

    A real addiction to coffee begins when you start drinking it black and without sugar and still you feel nothing.

    • Aelya

      My life

  • eferf67
  • Melissa

    Caffeine is caffeine whether you drink it with caramel or straight up. You're all weird. I like coffee too. I like my coffee with no sugar in it, though… Am I good enough for you TC? Am I? AM I? Because that's all I want to be. Good enough for you. Let's go for coffee sometime. But not at Starbucks. Ew!

    • Aelya

      Actually, what everyone is saying is that Starbucks drinks tend to be more sugar than caffeine. Deep breaths now.

  • David Ou

    Writing about getting Starbucks on TC will result in getting shit for getting Starbucks. But, you'll also look like a dick and also bound to get shit for writing about getting Blue Bottle or Weavers because they make such good coffee and you're letting the secret out

  • JonahK

    Clearly you have  a very addictive personality because for anyone with some self control, coffee is  not addicting. You're the same kind of person who is “addicted” to weed.

    • Also Addicted

      Actually, caffeine is physically addicting. Haven’t you ever had a day without your morning cup and experienced agonizing headaches and mild anxiety?
      (If you haven’t gone a day without a cup, you, my friend, are also addicted ;] )

  • Lindsay Goldner

    I too love the skinny iced cm… but you should try it with sugar-free hazelnut. Nectar of the gods, yo.

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