So here’s the thing. We are friends. No, not friends. Best friends.
We’ve become close over a short period of time it’s true. People think it’s insane how much I’ve opened myself up to you, and how much I trust you.
We don’t see each other often, but that’s okay. We talk all of the time, and when we see each other it is like no time passed at all.
We tell each other everything- even stupid details about our day like what we ate. We Snapchat each other at least 10 times a day, sometimes more. I send you my life, and you send me yours. I tell you I miss you almost on a daily basis.
You say I am your best friend. That there are only a handful of people you’ve let yourself become so close to. But you say you are just my best friend.
The conversations are getting more serious. We are diving into topics we didn’t dare discuss before. We are starting to rely on each other so much that if one of us does not respond in less than ten minutes we start to worry.
Do you know what else is happening? We are becoming so close that people around us think we are in a relationship. It was always so funny telling my friends off for thinking I can’t have a guy as a close friend.
You are starting to get protective over me. You question me about my dates with the guys I meet on Tinder, etc. You clearly get jealous when I tell you about a conversation I’ve had with another guy friend.
We have met each other’s families, and are starting to consider them our own. We feel comfortable in each other’s houses, even though we only are there a couple of times a year.
You don’t want to date me. You’ve made this loud and clear, time and time again. You think I am pretty, and you have no problem telling me. (What are best friends for, anyways?) I was always okay with this. You were like a brother to me, so it felt weird thinking of you as anything else. But now, something has changed.
You are my best friend, and the one person I would probably walk to the end of the earth for. But when you allow yourself to become so emotionally connected with someone, it’s almost impossible to stop other feelings from coming in.
I’ve come to realize that you don’t put nearly as much as I do into this friendship. And I finally know why:
I love you. I have fallen all the way. You have me. You have my heart…and you will never feel the same.
You are the last person I talk to every night before I fall asleep. I wake up in the morning and you are the first person I think about.
I have days where I am so consumed with sadness because I know you have no romantic interest in me whatsoever…and I cannot even imagine my life without you.
It kills me when you Snapchat me the girls you are hanging out with. You’re a boy in college; I can’t realistically assume that they are just your friends, too. But we don’t talk about our intimacy with other people. I used to wish you would open up to me about this, but now it hurts to even think about.
So here’s the thing…I’m done. This is operation scale back. I cannot handle being this close to you anymore. It is affecting everything I do.
I cannot go on dates with other guys without keeping you in the back of my mind. I compare them endlessly to you.
I live for love, and I can no longer allow myself to be so bewitched by someone who does not love me back.
We are going to start talking less. I am going to stop responding to you so often and so quickly. When we see each other I am not going to lie against you when we are sitting on the couch. I am going to create distance.
I don’t know what my life would be like without your friendship, and it scares me to even think about. I can’t bring myself to choose all or nothing and stop being your friend altogether. So we just can’t be best friends any more. I am so sorry.
Please don’t be offended when I stop answering your Snapchats or texts. It is the only way I know how to do this. Slowly but surely I will get my heart back from you, and I will be able to fully give it to the right person when they come along. It’s funny because I feel right now like you are my person. But unrequited love is a demon we must all face at some point.
So, this is it. I will no longer feel like I am suffocating from my own feelings.
I am done…I am free.