Take me back to the beginning. To the days when we first met. When you would smile every time my name popped up on your screen. When you would tab out of your game so you wouldn’t keep me waiting. When you sought out my company, asking what hours I worked and often keeping me company while I got things done. When it seemed like you couldn’t get enough of me. When your words still matched your actions. When I could close my eyes and feel joy seeping through my bones, making me sigh because you were there. When I didn’t have to survive on “things I should know”. When I felt loved.
Take me back to the start. To the days when you would wish me sweet dreams and say good morning every single day without fail. When you never forgot about me, no matter what happened throughout your adventures. When you would leave me messages while I slept to remind me that I was appreciated. That I was wanted. When you would call me the sweetest names you could think of and we would laugh at ourselves for how cheesy we both were. My affection for you has only grown. Where has yours gone?
Take me back to the days when you would wonder what I was thinking and you could stare at me for ages. When you would ask me if my eyes were real, and you reveled in the way they change color with the morning sunlight. When you would plan a thousand possible futures with me. When you could only imagine a future where I existed by your side. When you would push the hair out of my face and live for the moment when I would open my eyes and look at you. When you enjoyed the power you held over me. To make me feel things, to add to my joy. When you would make silly faces just to see me laugh. When you told me that my laugh was your favorite sound.
I long for the feeling of content that comes from being next to someone I trust. My favorite fetish is trust. To be in the company of the person I trust enough to give myself over to entirely. To know that the scars on my face, the marks on my skin, leftover physicalities of a past I’ve long since left behind, are now signals for you, a treasure map of the places that need more of your care. That regardless of the color of my hair or the wrinkles on my face, you will always find me beautiful. To know that who I am, right in this exact moment, in every moment, is enough for you.
I want to look back and remember what it felt like to be chosen, to be the priority, and to smile, because that was but a shadow of the mountain of care I feel now. I want the word fade to apply only to jeans and t-shirts, never your feelings. My emotions are like a tree—slow to grow, requiring lots of sunshine and love, but ever yielding the more of yourself you give me. Shooting stars are beautiful but momentary. I will appreciate the glow, but I don’t count on it to keep me warm. Give me slow and steady. Give me genuine. Take me back to when it was more than dreams on paper. To when it felt real.
Love is cyclical. Phases come and go in waves. I am imperfect, but I am healed, and I am ready for the start. Take me back.