I’m Saying Goodbye To Love

Flickr / Alicia Soltani
Flickr / Alicia Soltani

The interesting thing is that you made it very clear all along that you didn’t want to be in a committed relationship. You never thought of me in the same way that I thought of you. And that is fine. You are entitled to feel the way in which you want to feel. But what I don’t understand, and what I don’t think I will be ever capable of grasping is why the effort? Why the trips and the sacrifices and the time spent together when the easy way out would have been to have left this in Miami. Why talk everyday, skype, and text and make that time for me when I wasn’t a real priority? I’m not angry anymore and I’m not sad because I really do believe that every person that comes in to our lives serves a purpose and teaches you something about yourself. But really all I am is confused. Confused as to why you said the things you said and made the promises you made and kept up the joke of our relationship while pursuing someone else. Someone who I’m sure is lovely and I hope she makes you feel loved and wanted and happy. I want those things for you, I wanted to give you those things but I deserve to be someone’s everything. Not someone’s hidden something.

You were something I wanted. I wanted to feel that comfort, fun, and safeness. I felt those things with you but I always forget that from the start you were never really truly available and for that I blame myself for getting too involved. I should have made the decision to walk away, knowing you were a dead end and accepting that. The idea of you was too shiny and bright to let go so early.

Have you ever tried being alone? It does a lot of good, it teaches you a lot about yourself and your interests. That’s what you leaving a few weeks ago showed me. I feel like I finally woke up and realized how lucky I am to be living in this amazing city, surrounded by new experiences and foreign faces. The possibilities are endless and I wasn’t seeing how fortunate I am to be given the opportunity I currently hold. You taught me that I am someone interesting, someone funny, someone beautiful and for that I thank you. You made me feel loved, if only for a minute, and for that I thank you. You helped me wake up from my nostalgia tinted façade and realize that I am living in one of the most exciting cities in the world, and for that I thank you. You gave me the strength to say goodbye and choose myself over you, and for that I thank you.

If I could live in the storyline of our little bit of love I would write the next chapters independently, put my story before yours and maybe one day down the line when you’ve done some growing up and some soul searching we can intertwine the two plots again. But until that time, perhaps one that may never exist again, I am closing the book and putting it away. You hurt me in a way I didn’t know I could be hurt. It feels different from my other heartbreaks, it feels real, adult, and serious. That’s my take on things, I’m sure it differs greatly from where you’re at and what you think of me and us but I accept that. There will always be two sides to every story, and ours has only one end. I wish you the best in everything you do in life and I hope that one day you may look back and think of me with that warm feeling that used to flood us at the beginning. Sometimes that feeling haunts me, but then I think about how things ended and its nothing but a fleeting memory. TC mark

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