I trusted you.
We met and sparks flew. I laughed and looked into your eyes that reminded me of carefree days and ocean breeze. You glanced at me with a mischievous glint and you brushed my hair off my eyes casually. You tiled my head towards you as you whispered promises of forever.
I was ashamed to say but I was hooked. I had been navigating by my own for so long and it was good to get used to having someone by my side again. It felt amazing to meet someone of the same wavelength and click with so effortlessly. It was exhilarating thinking that I had finally found my true love.
Against my better judgment, I fell for you real hard. I have thrown away all my caution out of the window and overcome my reservation to be with you. I compromised on what I believed in because I just want to make it work. I convinced myself that the red flags that I thought I saw were a figment of my imagination and I just hadn’t healed from my past heartbreak yet.
But as you begin to reveal your true self and made clear your true intention that has always been all about you, I couldn’t make excuses for you anymore.
I’m so disappointed that the moment I decided to take that first step and open my heart, I’m inviting heartbreak into my life again. I’m so disappointed that after making so many promises to me and lifted my hopes up so high; you’re just the same as everyone else. I’m so disappointed that I took a bold leap of faith and it totally backfired on me.
But most of all I’m deeply disappointed in myself to realize that I hadn’t learned at all.
The moment someone waltzed into my life and showed me interest and concern, I allowed my emotions to rule over my head. The moment someone utters ‘I love you’, I believed them wholeheartedly without thinking. The moment someone decided my intensity was too much and they couldn’t handle it, I was left without a shred of concern to pick up the pieces.
And I’m tired of all of it. Just because I’m strong and I can get over this doesn’t mean I want to go through the same thing over and over again. Just because I’m kind doesn’t mean they should take me for granted. Just because I look okay doesn’t mean that I’m really fine.
This shouldn’t be the way. I have a choice to choose the way I feel. I can wallow in misery or slowly begin in my healing journey. I can blame the universe for putting me through this turmoil or I can take this as a valuable lesson ensuring that I won’t repeat it.
I can choose and today, I’m choosing myself.
For now, I will rebuild the walls around my heart and strengthen my resolve not to give in easily again. For now, I will give myself time to heal and be okay again. For now, I shouldn’t try to make this non-existence relationship work. For now, I’m allowed to think for myself and do what is best for me.
For now, I should just be by myself.