I am leaving you.
Leaving your toxicity that suffocates me. The worries that plague me. The haunting fears that my leap of faith will backfire on me. The constant self-blame that I’m not good enough. The tears and sleepless nights when I couldn’t ignore the feeling that something was terribly wrong. The heaviness seeps in my soul that I couldn’t shake in all that I do. The limiting beliefs that chain me to my comfort zone.
True colors have been revealed and I have finally seen the person you really are. For so long, I thought I was the problem. It didn’t help with my inferior self-esteem that I couldn’t see how deadly you were to my well-being. Friends and family have persuaded and even pleaded with me to leave you but I was too blinded by my feelings for you, thinking that better days are ahead. I was too consumed with wanting you to change and reciprocate my feeling the way I want you to. I was too frightened to imagine a life without you and to find out the person I would grow into.
I am leaving you because I finally can see my worth and that I deserve better.
The first time I told you I wanted to end this, your words chilled me to the bone as you swore that nobody would have loved me as you do. Uncertainly I looked up and met your eyes. The unyielding hardness of those dark eyes, the grim line of your mouth, and the patronizing smugness that grazed upon it as you tried to explain to me how you were doing me a favor by being with me and I could never find someone as kind and understanding as you again. I blinked truly believing then that this was the closest to love that I can get.
I’m not the easiest person to be with. I’m aware of my own shortcoming and flaw that makes me difficult to love. But even I know I deserve better than this. I’m not the best but when I love, I devote nothing less than my absolute effort. When I made the decision to get together with you, I have every intention to make it last.
However, I have also learned to accept that people change and drift apart. And when two people are no longer suitable for each other, there is more pain in trying to hold on. While I’m forever grateful for the memories and our past together, we’re at different places now and I have to let you go to walk the path I’m meant to go.
I am leaving you because this is the best thing I can do for myself and this time, I will not look back.
I have come a long way since then. I know you think I couldn’t do without you and eventually, I would come crawling back. But here’s the thing about me, once I leave, I won’t go back. Being single and adjusting to depending myself again has its own set of challenges and I won’t deny that I still miss you and what we used to have. But I know this is for the best.
This journey hasn’t been easy and I’m still healing. I’m still learning to have the courage and believe in myself. But I am slowly seeing the light at the end of the tunnel. I am slowly smiling more and becoming happier. And I am slowly starting to see things shifting and falling into the right place.
I am leaving you and I want to tell you that this time I mean it. I will meet your eyes confidently and say the words that I couldn’t say before.
That if this is love, I would rather not be loved.