I Am Slowly Learning To Be There For Myself

I am slowly learning that relationships can be unfair and my effort doesn’t guarantee anything.

I can put in my one hundred percent into making someone else’s happiness my priority. I can say and do all the right things in the hope of winning over their unavailable heart. I can sacrifice my own self-interest and put them at the center of my world.

I can do everything in my power just to catch a glimpse of smile on their face. I can be the tolerating girlfriend who swallows her tears and never says no to any questionable behavior. I can rip my heart from my chest and hand it over to them in my bloodied hand.

The reality is that none of that matters if they do not feel the same way towards me. It is a losing battle from the start and life is too short for me to convince them to change their mind.

At my age, I cannot be so irresponsible. I cannot afford to put my heart into the wrong person and trust blindly that they won’t hurt me. I cannot act like a child, leaping into the flames of danger without any heed for consequences and blaming everyone but myself for getting myself burned. I cannot keep repeating my old mistakes and expect different results. I cannot ignore my well-being and expect a person to be the solution to all my problems.

And slowly, I am learning that the only guarantee I have is for myself.

Instead of being ever willing to brave high fire and cross the roaring ocean for someone, I should channel that enthusiasm and determination into building myself up from ground zero. I should not be so quick to dismiss my worth and bend over to please others at the expense of myself. I should not be so chained to the past or fearful of the future that I’m losing sight of my current present. I should not focus too much on finding someone to love me when I’m fully capable of giving myself all the love in the world.

I am slowly learning that my life may not be perfect or smooth even, but as long as I’m there for myself and I will be okay.

The timeline of my social media shows a myriad of happy moments from my friends and their long list of accomplishment that makes the lack of mine all the more glaring, exes moving on and settling down with the girl of their dream, and everyone continues to the next phrase of their life so effortlessly. Everyone seems to have everything together and going to places while I’m here struggling to go through day by day.

But slowly, I’m accepting that their successes don’t mean my shortcoming in any way.

It’s tough to be me because I seem to be having it worse than the average person. I have to work my hardest to get to where I want. But I know, this is what makes it so worthwhile. The pain, the hard work, the grueling grind, and the mind over body spirit will eventually pay off. Ultimately, it is the journey and not the destination that matters the most.

At the end of the day, I’m proud of myself for surviving this far. I’m proud of the progress I’ve made and I know I’m getting there.