This Is Me Learning From My Mistake And Not Taking You Back

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louis amal / Unsplash

This is me realizing my worth and knowing that I want nothing more to do with you.

You thought you could just waltz into my life and pretend nothing happen. You thought I would just let bygones be bygones and forget totally what you did. You thought you were the sun and I would bend over to welcome you back.

Well, you thought wrong. I’m my own sun and I fill my heart from love that is radiating from within. I’m my own person and I don’t need you in my life. I may have forgiven you but that doesn’t mean I have to take you back.

It took me so long to get to where I am at now. To wake up in the morning and not automatically think of you. To go through the day without associating you with everything I encounter. To fill my time with my favorite things and feel content at the place I’m currently at. To live my life well knowing it doesn’t end with your absence.

This is me learning from my mistakes and I am determined to move on from you.

Time and distance have separated us until I no longer recognize you. I could barely remember how you look like. The memories of you that used to tear me apart had turned ashen and disparate into thin air. I think back to the last time you stood before me when I searched your face for any resemblance of the old you that I used to know.

I remember meeting your eyes and the same empty look was there. It was the same cool composed mask that used to drive me insane. The cold indifference that pushed me to do crazy things to get your attention. The emotionless attitude that made me feel inferior and insecure about why you treated me the way you did.

Despite how much of a stranger we had become, certain things never change. Your uncanny ability to make me doubt myself. Your selfishness to use me as you deem necessary. Your predictability to take what you wanted and left me.

And I realized this is the last thing I want.

I want a love that feels right in every sense of the world. I want someone who is happy to be with me and proud to be seen with me. I want to love without any lies and deceit between us, and I want nothing but absolute honesty and commitment. I want a simple love where we are simply ourselves accepting both of our imperfections and pushing for our growth. Just for once, I want to be someone’s first choice and priority without any hesitation and confusion that I am the only one he wants.

This is me letting you go and ending our story once and for all.

My biggest mistake is not that I trusted you even after you betrayed my trust. It is that I hopelessly wanted to believe that you could change. That for a moment, you care for me enough to try. And no matter what happened, I could not quash the tiny flare of hope in my heart each time you came back. I could not stop myself from responding to you even when I knew it was a mistake. I could not erase the feelings I had for you and pretend that I am over you when you’re all that I wanted.

And I realized now that I was as responsible for my own pain. For each time that I gave you another chance and welcome you back into my life, all it did was prolong my misery and brought me back to square one. All you did was hurt me again and made me relieved the pain of losing you again.

So this is to me, choosing myself over you.

Your presence is toxic to me, and I’m drawing away from you. I won’t reply to you because there is nothing more to say. My silence says it all. TC mark

Liane White

I write about falling in love and out of love.

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