I spent most of my 20s chasing after love.
After the wrong people who I was convinced was good for me. The relationship that was slipping out of my grasp yet I couldn’t let go. The mindset that I wasn’t enough until I had love wrapped around my finger.
If I wasn’t in a relationship, I would expand all my focus and energy into getting into one. There was the chase, the falling, and falling into pieces. Life was tiring and unhappy. I lived in perpetual fear of heartbreak and I became cynical about how mechanical and fickle love was.
I thought chasing was proactive and I was taking control of my life by going after what I want. I thought chasing someone was romantic because I was staying true to my feeling and getting them to fall for me. I thought by chasing them, it would eventually get me what I wanted and I would get the happy ending I deserve.
However, all it did was push me from the right people because I was too busy chasing the wrong ones. All that happened was me being too obsessed with finding love to appreciate the other blessings in my life. All that resulted was me ending up in short-lived relationship that couldn’t last because I was too blinded by how I couldn’t be alone.
It took me a long time and I’m finally accepting that love is something that I should never have to chase. Anything that requires chasing isn’t meant for you. I wasn’t being romantic or self-sacrificing. I was deluded and unable to see what was good for me.
For love is a mutual thing and if the other person isn’t feeling it, there is absolutely nothing I can do to change their mind. It was insane and delusional of me to think that I can. I was chasing them blindly with no heed of the consequences, diving straight into destruction and heartbreak. I was responsible for my own pain yet fully absorbed in my absurd charade that all would be right if only my feelings were reciprocated.
I had no idea how toxic my behavior was to myself. I was depending on someone for my source of happiness when I didn’t know the way to my own heart. I was expecting love to magically heal every broken piece of my heart and made me whole again. I was hoping for a savior who could whisk me away from the harsh reality and made my dreams come true.
So whenever love failed and my hopes were dashed, I felt myself slipping deeper into the abyss of despair. I felt that I was changing into someone else that I couldn’t recognize. I felt that the road in front of me was stretching endlessly in a repetitive cycle of pain and tears. At one point in time, I felt that it was impossible to continue in my journey when I was at my lowest.
I had no choice so I tried. Slowly, I picked myself up. I decided to look inward at myself for love and compassion. I begin to appreciate my own company and to value my solitude to learn about myself. I start to be my own hero and my biggest advocator for my well-being.
I tried and I learn so much. And now I want to tell you that the right kind of love is one that you never have to chase. The love within you is one that will never leave.