It’s not love if he always leaves you confused about what he’s thinking and you have to wonder what he feels about you.
When after a week of radio silence, he suddenly becomes enthusiastic about meeting you. He stops replying to your text yet he still likes your pictures. He seems as though he really likes you but he does things that break your heart.
You want to ask him what are we but afraid to ask because you somehow know the answer it’s not what you want. The only thing he can tell you is not to think. You want to laugh because the last thing you want to do is think.
But you can’t help it.
He leaves you with a hunger that claws from you from the inside for what you could not have. He changes you into someone else in the hopes that he would have you. He takes the love you have for him unremorsefully without giving you anything in return
It’s not love if your feelings are a rollercoaster ride and you’re torn between leaving him or trying harder.
Despite telling yourself constantly to live in the moment and stop hoping for more, you can’t take your own advice. You have rehearsed in your mind all the different scenarios in which you walk away from him to protect your heart. You have recited all the ways that he is not the one for you. You have remembered all the times you let you down, each time more gut-wrenching than before.
Yet you do not stand any chance at all.
He’s a mystery that you long to unravel. He’s an addiction that you can’t seem to withdraw from. He’s a dream you don’t want to wake up from. You tell yourself not to get too invested, lest he leaves. Because love in the form of him always leaves.
Everything about him reeks of sin and heartache. He tastes of stormy sea and salty tears. He reminds you of unrequited love and unexpected goodbye.
You cannot text him without wondering how to construct your words carefully. You’re unable to be with him as your true authentic self. You’re scared to show him your real feeling for fear that he would leave you.
It’s not love if you have to make excuses for him and wait for him to change.
You come undone at the sight of him. You’ve given up trying to make sense of the depth of your feelings. You’ve given him your all. You’ve resigned to your fate of how hopeless your situation is.
No matter what you tell yourself, you cannot help your heart. You hope for more whenever he looks at you and you could have sworn there was lingering affection in those dark eyes. You dream of more whenever you catch a glimpse of his soul and the potential of who he could be. You anticipate a day when your feelings are reciprocated and he can finally love you the way you deserve.
But after trying in vain, after crying hopeless tears, after wasting all your precious time and effort, you must realize that whatever this is, isn’t love.
True love requires mutual effort from both parties instead of relying on one to make it work. True love isn’t hurtful or heartbreaking. True love doesn’t come with so many conditions and prerequisites for someone to love you. True love isn’t forced happiness and doesn’t come with an expiration date. True love isn’t half-hearted effort and almost- love. True love isn’t desperation to hold onto someone and an extremely high and low of your emotions. True love isn’t this.
You have to let him go so that the right person will come into your life. You have to let this almost love go so that you can have the love that you deserve. You have to realize that this isn’t love so that you can finally be happy.
Because at the end of the day, the only happiness you ever need is from yourself. The only love you deserve is whole and with one hundred percent certainty. And nothing less.