You are breaking your own heart by believing he has some feelings for you and that those said feelings would deepen over time.
Maybe he does. Maybe in his own way, he cares. Maybe he does think of you sometimes. Maybe he likes spending time with you.
But you of all people should know that it’s not enough.
His almost love doesn’t come close to the depth of feeling you hold for him. His half-hearted commitment towards texting you and meeting you is a pale comparison to how much you yearn to see him and miss him when he’s not around. His lack of regard for you pained you to no end as you cry over your unrequited feeling.
But despite how heartbreaking it is to love him, you still choose to believe that it’s enough for you.
You tell yourself not to pressure him into something he’s not ready for. You chide yourself for overthinking instead of just living in the moment. You blame yourself for his disinterest and wish he could spare you his time and concern. You wallow in misery at his rejection, as you continue to put your heart on the line.
You are breaking your own heart by holding onto him.
You have lost your senses to the point where you think you cannot exist in a world without him. You have been so obsessed with the idea of him that you couldn’t comprehend how he isn’t as good as you believe him to be. You have wanted to be with him so much that you ignore your gut instinct and dive straight into trouble.
You are so afraid to lose him that you don’t realize the person you love doesn’t exist.
He is just beside you but you feel vast distances between you and him. You are looking straight at him, yet your heart clenches in anguish for unspoken reasons. You have so many things you want to tell him, yet they just die in your throat each time you open your mouth feeling that he won’t understand anyway.
Every time you meet him, you don’t dare to harbor much hope and you prepare yourself that it could be the last. Every little thing he does for you, you promise to cherish in your heart, happy that you have good memories with him. Every shared smile and intimate moments spend together are your undoing, as you fall harder for him with no point of return.
But you have to accept that your circumstances with him won’t change. You have all the choice in the world to walk away from him. You have the right to happiness as much as anyone else.
Your path towards happiness relies solely on yourself. Once you let go of all the wrong people in your life, you can meet the right people who are all you have dreamed of.
The moment you choose yourself first is that moment you realize you don’t need anyone to be complete or be happy.
Because no person is worth this agony you feel. Not worth your constant one-sided fighting to be with. Not worth the tears you shed in vain.
The only way out of this turmoil is to find whatever strength you have inside you and walk away. End whatever this is with him. Because whatever that is, it is not love. And deep inside you, you know it.
You know that if you continue to hang onto him, ultimately it is not him, but you who is breaking your heart.