I thought I could never get over you.
Never is a long time, but that was exactly how I felt. When you left, every moment without you felt excruciatingly endless. My days became long and empty as I faced the hopeless prospect of a life without you.
No one told me heartbreak was this hard. The acidic teardrops, the abrupt goodbye, and the all-consuming pain.
Nothing could have prepared me for that.
I thought that if this was love, then I did not want any part of it. I thought if you could hurt me so brutally, as though I was nothing, then you must have lied when you told me how I meant everything to you.
I thought if this was our ending then it might as well be the end of me.
Following your departure, I did not know what I was doing half the time. I was dead set on forgetting you and all the pain you caused me. I was fixated on getting over you and I wanted to replace you.
I wanted to be swept away in the moment with eyes that looked so much like yours that I had to blink and look away. I wanted to be taken away by honeyed promises and words as false as the lips that uttered them, just so I could forget about the only promise I wanted you to keep.
I wanted to be in love just so I could forget the fatal words of how you can never love me again.
I begin to rely on others for happiness, hoping to love someone to cover my lack of love and to pretend I was a whole, happy individual instead of a broken heart.
But you continued to linger in my thoughts. Even in the presence of another, your absence continued to taunt me with what I could never have.
But after awhile I learned. I learned that sometimes being alone is less lonely than being with someone who does not care. I realized that just because you no longer love me did not mean I couldn’t as well. Just because you stopped loving me did not mean I have to stop living. Just because you left did not mean the person I was with you, and my own identity had to leave me.
So now I will stop living in the shadow of my past and move forward with my life. I will stop thinking of our ending and start building the foundation of my future. I will stop looking for a boy to save me from the wreckage I am in, and start my journey of self discovery.
I will stop thinking of how I can only be happy with you and start finding reasons for my happiness, every day. I stop waiting for you to come back, or for another person to love me, and I will start living my life to the fullest.
After all, I don’t need you or another boy to help me heal my broken heart.
All I will ever need is myself.