In the most mundane moment, I remember you. Remember what you said, what you did, and how much you used to mean to me. And if I could bring myself to admit it, how much you continue to.
It may be as random as crossing the road and your voice rings in my ears. Sharing with me about your day in the way that never failed to make me smile. Telling me how you cannot wait to see me, making me giddy with excitement.
I find myself smiling at something funny you said and it’s not until moments later that I realize you are no longer here. I draw in a sharp breath as the pang of nostalgia hits me hard. I shake my head as if to clear the thoughts of you away. And I tell myself not to think of the past.
I’m doing fine, I’m okay without you.
In the timeliest manner, I remember you. When I am about to commit a fatal mistake. When he wants to force me to his will and I just want to make myself comply. When dark thoughts consume me and I just want to give up. When unimaginable horrors are inflicted on me and I just want to bow down, defeated to fate.
In those moments, your warm smile, as blinding as light, suddenly appears in my mind eye. I can almost feel your gentle touch as light as feather caressing my face. Reminding me how I am cherished and loved by you. Reminding me how I should treat myself better, for it will break your heart seeing me in this stage.
Dazed, I snap out of my trance and push on against the obstacles. Determined, I stand my ground and tell him off my voice quivering with anger. Undaunted, I survive to fight another day.
In the quietest instance, I remember you. In the crack of dawn or during the deep, long night. When I think of you just because I miss you. When something amazing happens, and you are the first person I want to share the good news with. Or something devastating happens, and I long to hear your voice smoothing me and telling me that it’s all going to be okay. T
And then, when I remember you are no longer around and reality sinks in, I feel as though I just lost you all over again.
It is in callous words, disinterested gazes, and kisses empty of desire that I miss you the most.
I blink but this time around there are no more tears. The perfect, lofty version of you starts to crack and I begin to see you for who you truly are. You are flawed just like me. You crumble easily under pressure. You are selfish, only caring about yourself and your needs. You are cold and heartless, treating love as though it is a mere protocol. I begin to understand why our ending is for the best. I begin to accept a life without you.
For despite all your good intentions to love me, despite all your kind words telling me to love myself, all I see is irony of how you could not. And how at the end of the day, I can only depend on me to love myself.