1. People who claim they are physical trainers, when they obviously aren’t
Sorry man, but please don’t tell me that you workout every day, that you are on a strict regiment and that you just got done with a total body workout that will make you “SHREDDED”… Because clearly it’s not working too well so far due to your excess chub and round face. How long have you been doing this? Oh, a year? Please tell me where all of your junk food is so I can eat it… Who are you fooling man? Absolutely no one. So stick with your diet regiment, and intense workouts, and I’ll enjoy eating all the Oreos I want because let’s face it, my body is a temple, and I’m going to treat it to ALL of the treats. And I will enjoy it more than your workouts.
2. People who talk in the library
Seriously, the reason I come to the library is to get away from my vocal, and extremely flamboyant gay roommate so I can have some peace and quiet to get work done. Don’t get me wrong, my roommate is great, but he’s a bit too loud for his own good. (Let alone, my whole floor likes to scream more than I could ever imagine.) Therefore, I come to the Zen, contemplation area of the library to sit in silence and get homework done. If you try to talk to me, I am going to shuck you off by popping in my ear buds. No disrespect, but I like my peace, just like you like your double-quarter pounder with cheese… Wait, I like that too, but you know what I mean. My anger is much like the cream-filling of an Oreo: You don’t quite know what it is or what it is made of, but it’s best to lay ignorant to what it may truly be and instead just enjoy its flavor and deliciousness. Yes, I just compared myself to an Oreo… Story of my life.
3. People who don’t say their “please(s)” and “thank you(s)”
It takes absolutely no effort to tell me nicely to talk quieter on my phone. (I mention this because it just literally happened to me about 5 minutes ago…) Why do people like being rude? Unfortunately, I know everything else but this very situation. Rudeness is just a way to say “Sorry, my day sucks, more or less my life, so I am just going to take it out on you because it is way easier to be an asshole.” NOT true. I know, as most of you should know that it takes a substantially more amount of muscles to frown than it does to smile. I rest my case. Life is too short to be an dick. Make friends, share your happiness with others, and if you aren’t happy, then fake it till you are. Pain is only temporary. Life is the only thing you got. Make the best of it my friend.
4. People who order a salad with a huge plate of french fries
What are trying to do, balance healthy with unhealthy? It doesn’t work like that pal… You aren’t fooling anyone with that gigantic plate of curly fries to accompany your “Ultra healthy, mixed green and cucumber” salad. Please choose one or the other.
5. People who don’t like dogs, puppies or babies
Ok, let’s be real here: If you are one of the select few soul-less people that don’t like any of the subjects listed above, please change… Now. Puppies are the root of all things cute and lovable. Same with babies. Whoever says babies are gross can honestly go die in a hole. They are literally true love. Perfect, innocent. Kind of how I wish I was… But I digress. If you aren’t a dog person, you don’t really understand life as a whole and assume the meaning of life actually “42”. If you fit this category, please do some serious soul searching.