1. Hey man, mind if I sit on your neck? This is cool, right? Hey…so I’m gonna rub the side of my face in your mouth if that’s okay. Oh, sorry I forgot that I shed, because I’m covered in hair. My mistake.
2. So…that computer. Looks so warm, I think that it might be cool if I sit right where your hands are. Yeah. Perfect. We both like this, right? Stop yelling at me, this is my house too.
3. What if I jus stayed up all night and ran around in the dark?
4. Hey I’m going to head outside…Um, excuse me. I want to go outside now…Do I have to yell? OK. Thank you. WAIT IT WAS ALL A JOKE LET ME BACK IN RIGHT NOW…ok, well now that i’m inside…actually come back in like 30 seconds, I’ll make a decision then.
5. Hey, I’m really excited about this place that I found in the house. It’s really high up so I can watch all of you. It’s also right next to all of your valuables. Yeah, and then when I want to get down I’m just going to scream at you until you stand under me so that I can use you to cushion my fall. Sounds like a bucket of fun for both of us.
6. Let’s cuddle…Oh, will you rub right there? Perfect. See this is nice…See, I’m not a complete jerk! OH WOW WHAT THE HELL WHY ARE YOU TOUCHING ME ALL OF A SUDDEN YOU ARE A PREDATOR I’M GONNA TAKE YOUR EYES OUT MAN. Heyyyyy why are you yelling at me? It’s just a little blood calm down. Ok we’re back…Yes rub my head just like — WHAT IS YOUR ISSUE? WHY CAN’T WE SIT IN PEACE? YOU ARE DEAD TO ME. YOU ARE THE WORLS. I WILL CUT YOU…Hey calm down, I’m just playin…
7. Hey, so I found this mouse, and I don’t know where to put it, so the most logical place seems, to me, like it would be under your pillow. Just a shot in the dark…Yeah, this feels right. Everyone will love this.
8. Let me get this straight: there are NO rules about where I should throw up specifically? Great.
9. Put me down. I hate this. I need you to put me down now. I’m putting my claws into you so that you don’t drop me. You need to find a way to put me down while my claws are in your nice silk blouse. I can’t help you. Figure it out yourself. If you hate me so much you shouldn’t have bought me.
10. Hey, I took a dump in the shower. You are welcome.
11. Oh, are you watching the TV? Sorry, I’d hate to be in your way, but I need to be right here, in front of the screen, right now…yeah, sorry, there is literally nowhere else in the house that I can be right now…I just need to pace for about ten minutes…Maybe you could take a pee break or something while I deal with this? Please just stop raising your voice at me.
12. Stop pushing me off of the couch, man! My nails absolutely need to be sharpened right now.
13. This scarf wasn’t important to you, right? I mean it IS pretty ugly…this seems perfectly fine to me. What I did seems ok. In fact, I’m going to do it again.
14. I feel, at the end of the day, like I can do whatever I want, because you removed my manhood and I have to eat out of bowls on the floor. There are no rules.
15. Oh, well, it didn’t LOOK that important and so that’s why I ate it…Sorry, I don’t know what a “check” is. Yes, I am a cat and I’ll eat what I want.
16. No, actually, I do need to come through this window…WELL THEN MAKE IT OPEN.
17. Hey, the grass that I ate earlier is probably going to come back up the other way…any second now…Here, let me just retch while — maybe if I hop on the kitchen counter, where food is served, I’ll have better luck. Yup. There it is.