Do not tell me that I first need to love myself before I can find someone who will love me, because that will never happen. Loving myself means knowing what love is, and I don’t.
I have never had a stable home life, I have never loved or been loved and to top it all off I suffer from Bipolar. I am a train wreck, and the only thing I know how to say is, “it is going to take a very special person to deal with me,” as I laugh along with my mom. But deep down, I am crying, crying with the thought that no one will choose me. I am the type of person who would do anything for you, who would be devoted to you, but all I see are scars and imperfections, and so I believe that, that is all you see as well. I don’t want to be a burden, I don’t want to hurt you, but I have no idea how to love.
You need to understand that for me to believe that someone could love me for me is impossible. I have never known how to love, and maybe that is part of the problem. Every relationship around me is either unhealthy or never lasts. I want to believe that love is real and that it will find me, but how do you believe in something that you have never seen?
Maybe that is why I go after men that I know are no good for me, or that will never want me the way that I want them. Because being in a relationship and being vulnerable is not something I ever want. So I chase the unattainable guys. I go after them until I know that they will never like me, and then I move on. This is my way of never being completely vulnerable.
But as much as I do not believe that love exists, I still hold out hope that someone is out there who will prove me wrong. Someone who will show me what love is, who will love my scars and show me that being perfect is overrated.
So I will wait, and maybe one day, I will love my scars as well.