A let down is still a letdown. It fucking sucks. We want to believe that people can be good, that they know how to do the right thing; be honest, live righteously and love fully. But when the people in our world have trouble doing the right thing, that’s when we start building.
We build to distract, avoid, deflect and forget. It’s fight or flight. A defense mechanism created by our brains to help guard our hearts. The body’s natural instinct is to protect itself. So when faced with someone who isn’t able to do the right thing for themselves or the ones around them, we protect ourselves. But we also want to protect the ones we love, and yet we can’t have both. Essentially, do you want to get hurt now or later?
It doesn’t matter what you choose because getting hurt is unavoidable. I don’t want to apologize for wanting you to be a better version of yourself, but I also don’t want to apologize for being the catalyst for your change.
Building a person up in your head is toxic. You create a world where that version in your mind is fully functional in the space you’ve imagined for them. It’s the version of themselves where doing the right thing is the sensible and mature choice. Sadly, there’s no way to bridge the gap between fantasy and reality. When you build unrealistic expectations, there’s no logical way to make sense of it.
It’s a painful exposé on your psyche. You actively choose to let in the people, who have proven to hurt you in the past as if they’ll learn from their mistakes this time around. Who does that? It goes beyond just letting them in because you begin to make excuses for their irrational behavior to justify their position in your heart. That is the narrative you tell yourself, and after you hear it enough times in your head, you’ve convinced yourself it will heal both of you. The piece of you that wants them to change and the piece of them that’s so disconnected from their priorities.
It’s self-inflicted emotional abuse.
Expectations shouldn’t be a bargaining chip for my sanity. We shouldn’t have to feel less to make you feel whole. It shouldn’t be such a cutthroat decision. And yet it is because when you build someone up, you have to be ready to crash and burn. Until you’ve had enough, and let them down the same way, they did to you.