I have found myself in many different spaces since you left me. I have been joyful, miserable, numb, peaceful, and angry. As the day is long, I find myself coming back to thoughts of us and chasing deadend trails in an attempt to truly understand it all. But I know that I will never have answers to the pain you inflicted on me so mercilessly.
You thought that you had a right to enter my life when you didn’t deserve to be there. You thought that if you lied your way into my heart, I would just deal with who you truly were later on.
You painted yourself as a perfect picture, radiant and bold and determined and loyal. You would hold me in your arms and pray for me before saying goodbye. You sent me songs each night and sweet notes each morning. You went out of your way getting to know my friends and family, asking them what you should know about me like my favorite restaurants and places to explore.
You did everything right because you knew that I only let very select people into my circle, let alone my heart. I’d spent a lifetime preparing my body, mind, and soul for the partner of my dreams. I saved as many firsts as I could for that one special person who would finally return the love I give and be mine forever.
You swooped in promising big things, the exact kind of things I wasn’t sure if I’d ever be able to find. No one had ever gone to such lengths for me before and so I trusted you. No matter the hurts of my past, I let myself dive in. And that ended up being my only mistake—choosing to love you.
The sweet smiles and tight embrace of your arms began to fade slowly. The glass-half-full attitude gave way to a sinister, ugly outlook. The words of kindness, the patience you had for the world all turned to bitter hate and disgust. I challenged you as the truth began to unfold, only to be met with more manipulations, more lies and empty promises that this was just a phase. You constantly pointed me back to who you were in the beginning; it became the only thing that I had to hold on to.
I went from your priority to the last thing on your mind. My presence became a bother rather than a joy. And perhaps the saddest part is how much you wanted to love me but couldn’t. The longer you tried to convince me that you were not the person you were acting like, the more empty your eyes became when you looked at me.
The fun dates and long car rides became few and far between. The long phone calls turned into annoyance at my request to have a 10 second call just to say goodnight.
For each of these moments, you would snap out of it the next time around. For every mean remark, a bouquet of flowers. For my remarks that that was the only reason you got them, more twisting on your end would ensue until I felt guilty for existing at all.
You would do things behind my back and then come to your senses for just a moment, leaving me a nice voicemail or telling me that you were grateful for all that I did and how much you loved me. But the roller coaster in between those moments slowly tore me apart.
You knew what you were doing all along.
You knew what you really and truly had done to women in the past.
You knew that you lied about being loyal.
You knew that you lied about your addictions.
You knew that you lied about your height.
You knew that you lied about your morals.
You knew that you lied about your intentions for me.
And the most disappointing lie of all?
You knew that you lied about your faith.
You have no faith, only facts that float around your head from growing up in the church. Your only use for religion was to further lie to me, manipulate me, belittle me, and alienate me. And nothing will ever be more disgusting to me than someone who uses a belief system to control another human being.
The whole point is this: You lied to me. About everything that ever mattered and more. You knew my intentions were pure, you knew my value and my innocence. And in the utter sickness of your heart, you set out to use me for your benefit and then to destroy me. And do you want to know why? Because deep down, you were afraid that if you didn’t destroy me first, I’d destroy you. Because you were afraid that if I knew who you truly were, I’d never be able to look at you again, let alone love you.
My deepest hope for you is to stop running from the truth that you are broken. You are guilty of sins I will not say aloud. You are sick inside. And you will never heal until you look the devil in the eyes and then shatter the mirror before he can consume you again.
I know that I will be okay one day because I live by my truth, because I love fiercely even knowing that I could get hurt. But you? You never let me in. You never let anyone in. And the misery of hiding behind a permanent mask will catch up to you with your next relationship and the next and the next.
No one will change you. You must change yourself.
Admit the lies, break the chains, heal. Because what you did to me is something that no one deserves to feel; because hurting me hurts you more than I ever could have.