You Didn’t Love Me Back And I’m Actually Happy You Didn’t

It was amazing, at first. I was so lucky. You were so beautiful. It might be odd to describe you like that but you were. I could stare at you for hours. Not in a creepy stalker way of course (okay…that’s a lie. A little bit). Your smell was tantalizing and your laugh made me melt. You were so different and complex. I thought I could figure you out. Best of all, you wanted me. Me, the awkward and shy one. You made me feel amazing and stunning. I had never felt like this. EVER. Then it stopped. You stopped but I didn’t. I pushed. I begged. I tried to keep us together. To give you what you wanted. In those last few months I lost myself. I’m glad too. I’m glad you didn’t love me back.

We got together in a-not-so unconventional way. I cheated. It happens, everyday. I was unhappy. Not that I’m trying to convince you or myself that it was ok because it wasn’t. I wanted out but I couldn’t leave. We had children, mortgage, and a joint bank account. It would have been too hard. Then you came along and it all of a sudden became easier. Not easy by any means but I had you to help me through it. Now that I’ve been through it, I know I can do it again. On my own terms, in my own way. No cheating necessary. If I’m not in love I’m allowed to go, as were you, as you did.

I wanted to fall in love. I wanted to be so in love with someone that I could burst. The butterflies and feelings of euphoria, I wanted it so bad. I wanted to feel that if they left I would be devastated. . And when it ended, I was. My heart was physically breaking. I had never felt what it was like to be depressed until then. The thing about falling in love is that you expect it to last. You know there is that chance but you’re not prepared for when it doesn’t. If you had loved me back I wouldn’t know how this felt. I wouldn’t have learned how to cope, to understand that tomorrow is a better day and this pain is temporary.

I allowed you to be the reason I felt good about myself. You were my self-confidence. Your compliments and caresses made me feel wanted. When you left me, my self confidence left as well. I wasn’t worthy. The thing is though, I got it back. I got it back on my own. It’s mine now to keep. I would have kept you as a crutch and I never would have known what it’s like to love myself.

I am now able to be honest about my feelings. I kept things back from you, important things, because I felt like if you knew then you would leave. But guess what? You did anyway. Me, not being myself didn’t keep you. I tried to be something I wasn’t. Someone that I thought you wanted and it backfired. I spent a season watching football, a year without an orgasm, and what felt like a lifetime of being afraid to be me. I’m glad you didn’t love me back because if you had, I wouldn’t have survived.