And with that let’s get down to the nitty gritty.
1. Thigh rash:
Ladies, you know when you just cannot fathom the idea of a tampon, so you wear a pad with your period underwear and then shlep on your fat pants (the pants that have always sagged a little more than your others and are super comfortable when your uterus is shedding), but are then left with the awful irritation on your bottom from the pad rubbing against your underwear — rubbing between your legs and spreading so fast you’d need a truckload of Vaseline to make any impact? Thigh rash is kind of like that, except it’s a result of wearing shorts for the first time and having sweat, fabric from the shorts, and skin (in my case, lovable chub) colliding with each step. It kills. Aloe vera. Stat.
2. Upper lip sweat:
Now, I not only have to be cautious of the hairs sprouting between my nose and upper lip, but I also have to be weary of the sweat beads that are going to form regardless of the weather. Upper lip sweat is something the person you don’t really know, but always ride the office elevator with, will notice. He might casually ask you how your weekend was. You begin to answer, saying something like, “It was wonderful — I caught up with friends over sangria. How was yours?” (In reality, you mean: “It was okay. I just watched cat videos and drafted a blog post for Thought Catalog while wearing no bra under my favorite baggy concert t-shirt,” but he doesn’t have to know this). Then, his eyes slowly shift and then hover right under your nostrils and, in a moment of brief panic, you rub your lips together pretending to mix in your lipstick, hoping that the person hasn’t noticed that you keep forgetting to pluck your nose hairs and that the beads of sweat mesh together and are therefore a little less obvious.
3. Knee and ankle hair, the ones you thought you got rid of:
Shaving my legs is a task in itself, suitable for a post all on its own, but once I’ve mustered up the courage to glide an overpriced Venus razor up and down my calves and thighs, I’m usually feeling pretty fly. That is, until I sit down at my desk and take a gander downward. It is then that I notice that I am not only so pasty white, but that my ankles and knees are also covered in thick, long brown hairs. If anyone notices, I’ll probably just shrug and say the classic, “Oops, I missed a spot,” while secretly holding in tears as I remember the awkward pre-pubescent phase when some of my friends started to shave and I hadn’t gotten that far yet. Mom?
4. Stinky feet because of closed-toed flats:
The idea of fake (or real) Toms sounds heavenly, especially when paired with light-wash jeans, a white v-neck t-shirt and a big, chunky belt. Then, it happens. You’re wearing this outfit on casual Friday and are invited to a coworker’s after work for dinner and drinks with your team to celebrate the weekend. Immediately, your mind wanders to what you packed in your bag earlier that morning, confirming that no, you most definitely did not grab a pair of socks to cover up the sweaty feet stench that will emerge once your cloth flats, which have absolutely zero breathing room, come off. It’s one of those smells that waft slowly to nose-level as time progresses. Do you go to dinner and become the person with stanky feet? Or, do you pass because you would like to have good hygiene to be a part of your reputation, and just pretend to have a hot date?
Regardless of how unconfident I may seem when profusely sweating under my mustache, most of the time I try to own these situations when they happen because, really, what else can you do? Cry because your feet stink? Whine because hair grows on your legs? We’re human. We’re not manikins. We need showers, tweezers and tender loving care, sometimes. Sometimes…