Weakness And Change

cesarplas
cesarplas

This is a mean piece. I wrote it for myself, because Im the only one Id be this mean to. But it helps me. It might help you too.

***

Hi.

Im the voice inside you that knows your every failure.

They arent accidents, really. Theyre not Sitcom level screw-ups. Theyre embedded inside you. They make up your character. Theyre etched into your soul and destiny, just like you feared.

You are bad.

Youre getting too old to cling to hope. You need something to save you from this fate, the one you both quietly know but never face head-on.

You want change, but dont know how to get it. With your college friends, your fostered room and florescent lightswell, why wouldnt you cling to hope? Youre too dependent on routine.

Youre a coward. Afforded every advantage, youve defaulted on the generosity of the universe.

Of course, you might be a late bloomer. Thats fortunate, if its true. If you notice some gains, some truth that even your darkest self cant deny, well, good. But consider where thats taken you. Youve gone from an admirable fuck-up to the C- person you are today, buried in the belly of the bell-curve.

Youre average, and even thats charity. Youre average if we round up.

So, smart guy, what are we going to do with you?

First, you need to face yourself with the mathematical, honest cruelty that the world has imposed. You must take inventory. Its something most people avoid. Thats because a real reckoning of the self is ugly. Its risky. But in doing so, you sacrifice your comfort for an incredible power.

When you see yourself truly, you can begin to build.

Thats it. Face the mirror of your soul. Take a broader accounting of yourself. You spend how much on weed? Your room is this filthy? You cook that rarely?

Let those waves hit you. Theyll be followed by anxiety and self loathing.

Dont give in.

No, not because you love yourself, or happiness, or hope. Dont give in because its weak. Its weak to crack. Its defense mechanism to collapse so over-the-top into self hate because thats theatrical and purging.

Dont purge this.

Accept it.

Let it cool inside you. Let the lava turn to stone and chisel it. It takes longer to chisel stone, but it lasts longer too. The changes you apply after taking full stock of yourself will be actual. They will be hundreds of times stronger than optimistic New Years resolutions. These will not be optimistic or fun. But they will be absolutely necessary self-improvements that come from within.

And it will be amazing.

To change, to actually change, requires a level of transcendence. You have to somehow remove yourself from yourself if you want to actually escape the etchings of your personal fate. If you feel lingering, implacable self-loathing – and who doesnt, right? – you must face your demons. Head on. Not to defeat them, but to commune with those weaknesses fully. Take nothing for granted. View yourself with the distance and removal youd judge others by: you wouldnt let your Sim spend this much money at restaurants, right? Youd play to win. Youd make that Sim excel.

So why are you letting this weakness survive inside you?

Its simple. The first reason is its scary. Its terrifying to face your weakness. Second, its hard. Not hard to do, although its that, but hard to even think of. Our lives are busy. Day to day, we have ups and downs in work, love, traffic, meals- anything and everything. Our attention vanishes into screens.

Who among us has the focus, let alone time, let alone bravery to look at all their weaknesses head-on to change?

It isnt easy to change. Its scary. Its hard. But it can be done. And, even a sliver of accomplishment will rest real and permanent inside you. It will be a permanent trophy against doubt, a fuck you to your fears. And it will build. Success builds success. Everything will improve, quietly but solidly and forever.

And so will you. TC mark

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