Remember that every moment you should calibrate your every thought and feeling into a palatable and employable internet presence.
Dystopian? Maybe. But just pretend this is Game of Thrones and ruthlessness and cunning are mandatory facets of survival. Because they kind of are, and just because real jobs are less sexy than Dragons doesn’t mean they’re any less scarce.
If you share a name with a serial killer, be sure to specify that you are not, in fact, a serial killer. In fact, do this right off the bat. All caps. Nothing is more comforting to a future employer than the knowledge that YOU ARE NOT A MURDERER.
(Suggestion void for murderers. Just be yourself!)
If you cried during the original Poke’mon movie and your mom had to take you home but then you were crying even more because you didn’t want to miss it, maybe don’t post that fact online.
Signing up for LinkedIn is a great way to get more emails, if that’s what you’re into.
Beat Google auto-complete to the punch by suggesting phrases online, like “Lev Novak is handsome,” “Lev Novak is a good writer,” or “Lev Novak is innocent of all present and future charges of dog-arson.” Setting up that virtual paper-trail is only going to help settle all those dog-arson questions your employers might have in the future.
Hint that you might be Banksy.
Put out a portfolio of representative work online that underscores a variety of possible focuses. Work hard and strategically. Remind yourself you will never be as successful as a Vine star named Cody Nash. Sigh into a cup of cheap rum mixed with Diet Pepsi.
No half measures; success online is all about passion. Get weird and specific. Petition former mayoral candidates be executed for treason. Yell repeatedly at the creator of Heathcliffe. That’s sure to capture the “wow” factor- nothing says “watch this guy” like a watch-list!
You could probably be a celebrity on Google+ if you tried.
If you’re a musician, be sure to post links on Youtube comments. Mention specifically how you don’t usually do this, but…well, be creative and long-winded. If it worked for the Beatles, it’ll work for you.
Pro tip? Any celebrity death or international tragedy is a race to come up with the best quips for Twitter. You’re not a loathsome scavenger feeding on the carrion of sorrow – you’re a brand!
Hashtags are a #must if you want to be found by the sort of #people who click on #hashtags.
This might be a little extreme, but consider the following: if you followed through, I mean really followed through with a terrible idea, you might get internet famous. I mean, “if you mixed a bunch of live wasps into a bong and tried to smoke it and you inhaled all the wasps” type terrible.
If you’re not willing to do that, then congratulations; you’re sane. But that thought experiment should remind you that there’s nothing holding you back from internet fame except for your morals and common sense.
Somebody has probably been hired for something from being the FourSquare mayor of someplace. And, if not, shouldn’t you be the first?
Dignity and restraint are luxuries you can ill afford. The world is a frenzied, writhing mess. Self promotion is the your only hope.
Follow me on Twitter @LevNovak for more.
Remember that your personal brand is just an avatar that you tinker with and that your core and your essence remain blissfully separate. Focus more on the latter than the former for a fuller life.
That said, the two can work in harmony. Allow yourself to shine honestly and hope that your unique good gets caught from the mists of obscurity. Forgive your errors, and wait for that greatness to be sculpted out- or, better yet, sculpt it yourself.
But, um, follow me on Twitter. It’s a jungle out there. Shame is a luxury.