The Case For Heelies

One thing that has blown my mind since childhood is that everyone isn’t wearing heelies all the time.

For those of you who don’t know, Heelies are roller skates that emerge from brightly colored sneakers for kids that no reasonable parent would ever let their kids have. If you ever had them, two things are certain. First, that your parents didn’t love you or care about your physical wellbeing. Second, that didn’t matter because you were a god.

I would’ve traded every happy memory of my childhood just to know what it must’ve felt like to be an honest-to-god cyborg with Inspector Gadget feet.

This, then, begs the question: where have the heelies gone? We’re adults now, no?  Heelies makes shoes for adults, and, with $70.00 representing the high end of the product line,  there’s little to no excuse not to get them. They’re sneakers that wheel you around, and they don’t cost more than any other sneakers in the field. So what’s the wait?

Is it fashion? We’re the hipster generation, devoted to irony and self-decision. Are you really going to tell me that this time a 90’s icon of garish coloring isn’t the coolest thing you could pull of?

Is it convenience? The shoes, I imagine, are slightly heavier. They are also basically baby bikes that live in your feet. It’s transportation that makes a lot of sense in dense urban centers. It’s a cheaper alternative to public transportation, better for the environment, and a work-out. It’s physically active! Pick your issue and Heelies offers you an edge.

Is it because you’re a coward, a sheep, a follower of the herd who can’t begin to fathom the glory of skating in shoes at a moment’s notice? It’s okay. We all are. But what if Kanye West made a cooler rollerblade shoe for $450? Really picture that. Do you think for a second they wouldn’t run $2,400 on eBay? Or that people wouldn’t be camping out for the opportunity to buy them at retail price?

Why not be your own Kanye?

Look, I’m not going to sit here and pretend this is a good idea. It probably isn’t. But, as far as bad ideas go, there is enough in here to raise a serious question. What are the things we knew, the truths we understood as children, that we don’t embrace now that we have the means. We wanted Heelies and now that we can have them, they’ve shrunk from our consciousness.

I’m not proud that I won’t get these Heelies. Frankly, I wish I would. I wish I had the sort of internal compass that could push me past the threshold of an idea into actual action. But that’s not me. I’m just the guy who suggest them, who writes them online, hoping the seed of a thought enters the mind of an actor.

But if that actor is you, if you read this and give a solemn nod at the fate you’ve found, don’t hesitate. Get the Heelies. Fly and skate. For me. For you. And for America.