My career as a “person who gets paid” has hit a bit of a speed-bump recently, and as I look for work, I thought I’d share my efforts online.
A few highlights from my resume-
*I can eat gluten.
*I am unafraid of smaller dogs.
*Was Camp Meadowbrook’s “Most Improved Swimmer, 1997.”
So, as you can see, I’m well-qualified for a variety of careers. Here are a few I’m pursuing at the moment.
1. Reality Show Contestant.
I am comfortable being the heart-throb, the villainous, vain pretty-boy, or the sexy, smoldering loner who is a loner by choice, and not just because he threw a tantrum during Wii Tennis.
In the event that I am not attractive, please put me in a full body-suit of a handsome Muppet.
Expected Salary: A contract for a spin-off show where I star as a Handsome Muppet trying to make it in the big city called “Muppet takes Manhattan” plus all the legal fees that will inevitably result.
2. Professional Wrestler.
My character will be “L-cash Tha Coward” and I will be the WWE’s least-popular character.
Signature Move: Running around, panicked, begging not to be hurt with unnerving sincerely, refusing to be comforted by the other wrestlers who, breaking character, are willing to publicly admit that wrestling is all fake and nobody ever gets hurt if it will get me to just stop sobbing.
Catchphrase: “(Muffled, shallow breathing)”
Expected Salary: Earning the confused, silent revulsion of millions is all the payment I need. That said, this is a union thing, so: eighteen million dollars.
3. Reverse “Hitch.”
I will sabotage your exes Tinder, Ok Cupid or Farmers Meet account to prevent them from meeting anyone better than you.
How I intend to make your former partner so deeply undesirable is a trade secret, but, as a preview: I will get them super into boogie boards.
Expected Salary: Ten dollars a day, and the comforting knowledge that my years of experience in not attracting people will be put to good use.
4. Ghostwriter For Rappers
“You other rappers awful, barely score like a quaffle/ and I’m quick to catch a Snitch like the name was Harry Potter.”
This could’ve been you, Pusha T. We could’ve had it all.
Expected Salary: A chain and no fewer than two (2) shout-outs or cameos per album, with an additional one in the music video where the main guy is doing his thing then it cuts to me like, whatttt, Lev’s here? And the main rapper is excited to see me, and I’m just being cool about it.
5. A Writer
Expected Salary: Exposure, as in “you can’t afford rent, so you’re going to die of exposure.”
6. Nerdy Guy In Teen Movie Who “Doesn’t Know About This, Guys…”
“…how are we going to bring our robo-dates to prom?”
“…what if the ghost of Ronald Reagan can’t be contained by our dark and terrible magic?”
“…this elaborate prank is less charming comeuppance for the jocks and more a series of disturbing felonies. I mean, drugging Lance’s Gatorade before the big game? Where did you even get those, Dave? This is fucked. This is all so fucked.”
Whatever it is, I can voice a doubt about it while wearing glasses.
Expected Salary: $100,000, and a promise this won’t go on my permanent record, guys.
7. Social Media Director
Want the word “bae” seamlessly integrated into your personal #brand? Call somebody else. I have standards.