Drink if the article is a list
Drink if you were linked to the think piece on Facebook, Twitter, or Tumblr.
Drink twice if you just clicked it while on those sites while avoiding actual work.
Drink if I wrote it. Hey, I wrote this one! We’re having fun already.
Drink if the article uses a swear word really smugly like they thought it would impress you.
Finish your drink if the swear word they used was so creatively vile that you’re actually impressed.
If you clicked on one of those non-Onion “satire” sites which are basically just lying click-bait, drink and then smash your bottle in a blind rage.
Have one drink for each of the following themes:
- A backlash piece.
- A backlash-to-the-backlash piece.
- A personal story that is overly sexual.
- Broad, sweeping life judgements written by someone who can’t rent a car.
If there is a conspiracy theory, drink until IT ALL MAKES SENSE.
Drink if the article is trying way too hard to be controversial or mean spirited, such as “Why Sharing is Bad” or “Babies Are Dumb, As Are Puppies.”
Take a drink if someone is hate-sharing an article, and then take a drink for every-other comment on their Facebook thread arguing about it.
Drink if the headline is a question with an obvious answer, like “Is Racism Bad?”
Drink three times if the headline is a declarative, self-proud statement like “I Cheated On My Boyfriend And My Taxes, So What, I’m Empowered” and then do something better with your time, like yoga.
Have one drink each for each of the following topics:
- Rap Music
- Racism (Why It’s Bad And I’m Not Racist)
- A Small Personal Story That Proves My Point About A Huge Cultural Issue
If the author is clearly bitter about one specific person or relationship and being passive-aggressive on the internet instead, take a drink and offer them one, too, because they need it.
Drink if the article is overly meta.
Drink if the article is self-referential, like this article, right here.
If the article has a vaguely liberal viewpoint that acts like this is somehow rare or exemplary on the internet, take a drink of your Laguinitas IPA and nod to yourself.
Drink if the article is about relationships with the opposite gender, and are written like the author is the first person to ever love someone/ have had sex before.
Stop drinking if the article is about how to seduce women and is written by a guy in a fedora. Take a long look at your life and call your mom.
Drink every time you see the following words or phrases
- “The dictionary defines…”
- “Mad Men”
- “Game of Thrones”
Drink if the article is a quiz about what television or Disney character you would be.
Drink three times if you got “Newman from Seinfeld” no matter what you answered.