I’ve been seeing (and reposting) lots of articles about dating in college lately and I don’t know if something’s in the water or if this uproar from collegiate women can be attributed to the ripple effect: one person comments on it, everyone now must go and do the same. If so, I guess I’m currently participating in this pebble on water game, because I’d like to share my views on the subject of why you will NEVER be able to find “the one” in college if you keep doing what you’re doing.
1. Women are much more sexually empowered in 2014 than they were in 2004.
This is not to say that women have not been participating in casual sex since the beginning of time. Hell, my parents had me when they were seniors in high school back in the 90s. The only difference, in my opinion, is that our generation has experienced somewhat of a sexual revolution. I’m a firm believer in the idea that the desire for sex shouldn’t be discriminated based on an individual’s sexual organs. Men are genetically programmed to want sex, but newsflash, so are we. If you look back through ancient and even biblical times, biologically, women were literally put on this earth to pop out other humans, to procreate. And how can you pop out tiny versions of yourself? With LOTS AND LOTS OF SEX. Hate to break it to you, boys, but just because a woman is explicit about her biological desire for sex, doesn’t make her a slut
This isn’t always the case, as you well know, because there are many girls that I have encountered who participate in the act to gain street cred and attention, and it’s girls such as these who are making the women who just really like sex look abnormal. If a woman admits that she watches porn, participated in a threesome, has multiple partners, visited an adult toy store, reads explicit romance novels, or has a “high number,” she basically walks around with a scarlet letter stitched into her blouse and I don’t believe that is fair. Now, I’m no feminist, but I do see the beauty in a woman being able to decide what best fits her needs without the world shaming her for it.
2. We live too comfortably in the hook-up generation.
This is especially prominent in the college atmosphere and we’ve all contributed to the idea that it’s okay at least once each. Let’s get real for a second, ladies. If you’re single, every weekend (sometimes even week days) is filled with clubbing, drinking and house parties.
You put on way too much make-up, take a few shots, grab your girls and head to your local bad decisions venue. Order a cranberry vodka, because you’re a lady, and start feeling a little buzzy. Your best friend drags you on the dance floor and you spot a 6’4” man with tan skin and coiffed hair. He gives you a little wink and before you know it, you’re having sex with clothes on the dance floor. You don’t even know where your friends are anymore, and frankly, you don’t give a shit. 6’4” whispers in your ear, “do you wanna get outta here?” You’re a little hesitant about your answer, I mean, you literally just started grinding on this kids junk like twenty minutes ago. Shit, you don’t even remember his name do you? You spot your friends from across the room and give them the look. You know, the one where you’re trying to communicate your inner battle of deciding to sleep with this one or not and your friends send their encouraging glares back?
Long story short, after some deliberation, you go back to his place, which smells like the open casket at your grandmother’s funeral and resembles what you imagine a crack house would look like. And oh, by the way, he doesn’t own a bed frame, so have fun trying to accomplish anything with this mattress on the ground. There’s no turning back now, though, so you roll your eyes through the muck and get it over with. It’s now 2 a.m., you roll over to 13 new text messages and missed calls from your friends thinking you were kidnapped, roll back over, pat him on the chest, say “thank you,” gather your belongings and get the hell out of there. Sound even vaguely familiar?
3. We have been conditioned, over time, to believe that “men only want one thing,” and they’ll do anything to get it, so we’ve created this somewhat indestructible fortress around our hearts in order to hand out the cookie without any attachments.
We’ve slowly become the generation of numbness that we offer up our hoo-haas faster than our hopes and dreams to any number of men that will allow us. And quite frankly, that’s a lot of them. We make fun of the one girl in the group that would rather stay home with her boyfriend eating junk food and watching movies than go out and “experience life,” when in reality, she’s probably the only one who’s actually got her shit together. I am in an amazing relationship with an amazing man, but I suffer everyday from the terror of allowing someone inside of me when it’s not through the vaginal canal. Why is this? Aren’t women supposed to be the ones who plan weddings, send “I miss you” texts and depend on men to survive? Instead, we’re using many different types of men to fill a void that we could easily pour into ourselves if we kicked our insecurities and apathetic views of love to the curb.
4. Things such as Tinder and datemyschool.com exist.
Don’t get me wrong, Tinder is hilarious and I totally downloaded it on my phone (no shame in my game), but, going back to the hook-up generation thing, this is ridiculous. Our generation is so desperate for sexual satisfaction that we download an app on our phones that allows us to “swipe right” on someone we’d consider fucking? Really? You cannot sit there and have something such as the aforementioned be a part of your life and complain about how “there are no good men in the world” or wonder why no guy in “all of Gainesville” wants to take you to dinner. Why would he pay at least $40 for a meal when he’s already got your pussy on a platter instead..?
5. The bull shit theories that “All Guys Are the Same” and “All Women Can Do is Cook and Fuck.”
• I’ve been through my fair share of men and I’ve even caught myself thinking that stupid generalization before, but trust me ladies, it’s not true. If you actually believe in the stereotypical nonsense that all guys are the same, either go try it out with women or, first, take a look at your past bfs, hook-ups, fuck buddies, etc. and find a common denominator for me. I can guarantee there will be one.
Personal story time: I was ALWAYS dating the wrong guy. The cheater, the liar, the selfish, the arrogant athlete, you name it, I’ve been there. I could never figure out what I was doing wrong until I met my current boyfriend. Ladies, think of your ideal man in personality and physical appearance and imagine the polar opposite of him. That’s my boyfriend. At first, I thought he was attractive, obviously, but he was literally nothing like anyone else I had ever been with. His personality was quirky and cute, but I could tell immediately he was light years ahead of the rest when it came to maturity levels. We’ve only been together for a short while and I’m not saying by any means we’re going to ride off into the sunset together on horseback anytime even remotely soon, but I am saying that for however long we are together, this man (I italicize this part because there is a huge difference between dating a boy and dating a man) has proven to me that not all males are the same.
• If any “man” still thinks this is a thing, just grow the fuck up. The corporate world has seen it’s largest women involvement, ever, in the past 5 years and I know for a fact, that number will just continue to climb. It’s the 21st century for Christ sake. I mean, I can make you a mean bowl of CoCo Puffs, but if you honestly think I’m going to slave away my entire day in the kitchen preparing a meal to be ready and placed on the table when you get home from work, you’re in serious need of a reality check. I’m all for submissiveness to my husband and thoughtfulness for the man I am dating, but I will not sacrifice my dreams and aspirations to, instead, be molded into Carol from the Brady Bunch.
6. Some people are so desperate for love that they settle for something they know they don’t deserve.
I don’t even think it’s necessary to elaborate on this fact, but here goes nothing. If you’re reading this, you’re probably in my readers age bracket of 18-25. You’ve gone through at least a few shitty boy-girl relationships and some of you might have even given up all together on looking for “the one” who will fix you. Newsflash, there’s no need to. Instead, why don’t you write down a list of “must haves” from a relationship and promise to not sway from them? I did this after my last relationship and ended up falling for a guy that definitely did not meet my credentials, but far superseded them. Don’t be superficial in your demands, however, because that’s going to hinder your search more so than if you never made them in the first place.
• If you’re solely looking for a hook-up, because you’re an independent woman who don’t need no man, make sure you know what you’re asking for, first and foremost, and if it’s your cup of tea, find a man that fits your needs. Come up with a list of things that you know you are uncomfortable with (he only texts you at 2:59 a.m. every Saturday, continues to pressure you into a position you don’t want to do, etc.) and make them known to your partner. Just don’t be in the process of ripping off clothes and put him on pause by bringing out a yellow legal pad like Ted Mosby with all of these written down. Real boner killer.
• If you’re interested in an actual loving relationship, however, do the same, but with a little more openness and honesty with yourself. If your last beau was self-centered, demand to find a man that will put your needs above his own. If your last beau hardly made you feel wanted, find a man who will encourage you to be the best you you can be and love you for being her. If your last beau pressured you into sex before you were 100% ready for it, find a man who is not only willing to wait with you, but believes the getting-to-know-you part is far more important anyways.
7. We continually chase after boys when we should be investing in men.
I think I heard this in church a few years ago, but never really knew what it meant until college. Going back to the SERIOUSLY IMPORTANT italicized portion a few points ago, the difference between dating a man and dating a boy is astronomical. From what I have seen, there is no age limit on a “boy.” A “boy” can be anyone from the male species that objectifies you instead of treasures you; puts you down instead of builds you up; is self gratifying instead of constantly creating a life that is beautiful for the both of you; doesn’t make you a priority instead of reminding you how special you are in his eyes. If you haven’t guessed yet, the latter parts of these examples are how a man would treat someone he cared about. These are the types of things you should be looking for in a relationship and these are the types of men worth investing your time and energy into.
There’s probably millions of other things that I could come up with that can prevent a woman from finding that special someone while in college, but the main point of it all is, you’re the only thing holding you back from a strong, enriching relationship in which both partners are more in love that any humans should ever be. You have to make the choice of what you want out of your 4+ years here. If you want to focus on your degree/career and never even bother with men, go for it! But make sure it’s because you want to, not because all the men in your past convinced you there was no way of finding happiness otherwise. If you want to hook-up with random strangers because you want to do it, please, by all means, do it! Just be safe. But, if you want to find the only person in the world who can finish your duet (I like Disney movies, don’t judge me), don’t spend every weekend in the bar getting super schwasty pants and delete Tinder, my dear, because the man you are looking for is going to want to invest his time in a classy, sophisticated woman who knows what she wants and presents herself as such. Break the trend of our dating downfall and be different than the rest. Be the best woman you can be and I promise, in due time, the best man for you will be begging to be a part of your life.