An Open Letter To The Rebound

image - Flickr / lina bielinytė
image – Flickr / lina bielinytė

Dear Rebound,

First off, I’m going to apologize for labeling you as my rebound, but let’s be honest, that’s what you are. At least that was what you were originally intended to be, but you ended up being much more than that. And this is why…

When my last relationship, the one before you, ended, I was in an ugly place. I hated the world and everyone in it, but mostly I hated myself. I can’t explain to you the way I felt, for it is something I had never experienced before and most definitely something that I never want to experience again. My last relationship left me feeling worthless and unworthy of even the simplest forms of love. That’s not just because of the way that the relationship ended, but because of the horribly unhealthy nature of the relationship in the first place. Unless you have been in that situation before, you wouldn’t understand what I am talking about.

The kind of relationship that I was in before you was one of the most raw, beautiful, and ugly relationships I could ever imagine. I’m not saying that I’m the only one who has ever been in this type of relationship, but each relationship is different. My relationship was one that literally left me begging for more. I experienced so many ups and downs over the past couple of years, but mostly downs. The rare moments where I felt anything that closely resembled love, meant everything to me. Those good feelings kept me hanging on for longer than I ever should have. I was delusional. I thought that the longer I stuck around, and the harder that I tried to prove my worth, the more I would experience those feelings of love. But all that did was make me look pathetic.

I thought I was doing the right thing by forgiving him every time that he left me or every time that he cheated on me. He had this controlling power over me that somehow made me believe that I was the reason he did all these horrible things to me. He made me believe that I was crazy and that I deserved everything he did to me. All that did was make me look at myself as being the problem, and I believed I was the one who needed to change. So I did everything he wanted me to. I was blinded, simple as that. He blinded me. He made me believe that I couldn’t live without him and that if I ever left, that I would never find someone else. And I honestly believed that for longer than you could possibly know.

Because of all these things that happened to me at the hands of a man who I thought I loved and wanted to spend the rest of my life with, I was a broken person when the relationship came crashing down. I don’t like to go deep into detail about the reasons why he is no longer a part of my life, and it’s not because I still wish I was with him or I still miss him. It’s mostly because I am ashamed of the person I was when I was with him. I was weak and I was a mess. He destroyed me. And for months after we ended, I experienced feelings of guilt, sadness, anger and any other possible emotion I could feel. There were times I felt like giving up. There were days I would lay in bed and wonder how I could ever possibly find someone I would ever love as much as I loved him. That was until I met you.

When I met you, I was not in the position to allow myself to feel anything for any person. I didn’t want to. I was still holding onto the possibility that one day I would wake up and my ex and I would pick up where we left off. So when I met you, you were just someone to hang out with and have fun with. But it quickly turned into so much more than that. It didn’t just happen overnight, it didn’t happen quickly. It took time, but you somehow turned my life around. I want to thank you for that.

It’s hard for me to explain just how you “fixed” me, I still haven’t quite wrapped my head around the fact, myself. It is something that I am constantly looking for an answer to. But what you did, was magical. You left my mind wandering all the time. I looked at my life in a different light when you were around. I felt something real. Not necessarily between the two of us, but just in my life in general. It had been so long since there was anything in my life I looked at positively. That was something I really struggled with, until I met you.

Maybe it has to do with the way you made me feel, or maybe it was just the fact you gave me attention. You are 100% opposite from my ex. The way you talk to me, the way you treat me, everything is different. You proved to me that regardless of how devastated I was over my recent break up, that I was the creator of my own life and that ultimately, I had control over the choices that I make. You showed me that my feelings are important, not only to just me. You showed me that I am NOT what others think of me, and I can’t let one person’s opinion of me, break me into pieces. You showed me life again. I’m not sure how you did it, but you have to be the reason. I am sure that I did not come to this realization on my own.

People always say that rebounds never last, and maybe that is true. I guess we will have to wait and see. I don’t know what is going to happen between us in the future. You could possibly be the person I spend the rest of my life with, or you could walk out of my life tomorrow and never speak to me again, who knows. And regardless of what happens, I want you to know how much I appreciate everything you have done for me. You would probably think there isn’t much that you have done, but like I said, you have helped me more than you know. I will forever remember how you helped me through this difficult time. And I want you to know that I never wished you were him. Whatever this is between us, a rebound or something real, is something I will cherish forever. You brought me out of the dark. And for that, I thank you.

Thank you, for making me feel worthy again. Thank you for showing me that my life is not over. TC mark

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