Three New Drugs You Can Do (Without Doing Drugs)
By Lesley Arfin
I love drugs. I can’t help it. I love checking out and not feeling my feelings. Unfortunately I can’t really do life and drugs at the same time, so through the years I’ve found some loopholes.
1. Jet lag: Don’t complain about it, embrace it. The feeling of extreme fatigue can be hurty and easy to give in. instead of napping next time, try to fight it. If you win you might* experience a euphoria like none other. You’ll move from tired, to exhausted (here’s where you have to fight it) then possibly a curve towards anger and crankiness. These side effects are short term if you can hold out and wait for your brain to start to feel like a Hershey Kiss melting in the palm of your hand. Something happens with sleep deprivation that feels like a combination of acid and heroin that’s actually quite lovely. Hands get tingly and you start to smell things from your childhood. Being silly enters your brain-space at the 20th hour when your thoughts and verbal skills are no longer able to recognize one another. This will lead to weird and amazing jokes that will plunk out of your mouth like pennies into a fountain. You can’t tell whether your eyes are open or closed but people will think you’re being incredibly cute regardless. (Side note: many cult leaders have used this drug to gain members).
2. Scare Yourself: This is like the natural form of cocaine. Well, I guess coke is natural. So it’s like the safer form of it. Have you been missing the high you get from extreme paranoia? Look no further then scaring yourself. This drug helps if you’re alone and it’s very late at night, although sometimes having a partner around can intensify the high. Start by thinking that you need to turn all the lights on. Wait, but if the lights are on, I might not be able to see the escaped mental patient who’s secretly watching me from outside my window? Fuck. Turn the lights off. Now it’s too dark, what if he’s actually in the house, standing behind a door or in the closet? Shit. Make a phone call. Now he knows you’re scared. You just gave him the upper hand. Never mind that, just Google “escaped mental patients” with your zip code to be on the safe side. Or better yet, turn on the music really loud and the TV to distract you. But oh no, now no one will be able to hear you scream when he tries to stab you from behind… Hehe enjoy the high friends! Like cocaine, it can be addictive and also lead to a heart attack!
3. See How Long You Can Stay On The Internet: This is a high that feels similar to being on pot. Start with your favorite website, some coffee, a few snacks, have the TV on, and proceed. Always wanted to click a link but never had the time? Now’s your chance. Now click on the link that was linked to that link. And then the next link. Keep going until you ARE the MC Escher painting man! You started with a cute interior design blog and now you’re knee deep in “Fuck Yeah Neck Tattoos.” Do this for as long as you can. You’ll laugh, you’ll cry, and by the end you’ll want to organize your closet by color and volunteer at a soup kitchen. You also know how to make something called “peanut butter bumpers” and you may or may not have placed a bid on eBay for a Subaru Brat. Warning: crashing may include wanting to take a shower, calling your extended to family to see how they are, and possible doing a Tracy Anderson exercise video. Side effects: FOMO (Fear Of Missing Out), stalking, megalomania that comes from googling oneself, and guilt for wasting so much fucking time.
P.S. All drugs offer no guarantee of actually working.