What Colleges Want Students To Believe

(This is satire)
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Shutterstock

Hello! I am Penny Nickels, and I am a student financial representative here at Arvett University. I am here to serve you, the student, with your financial concerns.

Many of you are probably worried about the cost of college. Here at Arvett University, we strive to make school as affordable as possible. College is a great way to build the skills needed to prosper in today’s economy, and is a way to invest in your future. Still, we understand that you may be reluctant to go ahead with school because paying for school can become overwhelming. That is where I come in.

I was hired specifically to help out the student. To talk to me on the phone, please call the Cashier’s Office, who will then direct you to a Cashier, who can ask the Secretary to the Head of the Cashier’s office if the Head Cashier is available, who can transfer you to the Financial Aid Office, which is next to the Student Finances Office, where you will then be able to talk to me, a Student Financial Representative. Feel free to call me anytime! Don’t forget, there is a $300 convenience fee for every staff member that you speak to.

“Excuse me, but why can’t we just call you directly?”

This is a great question! I am often so busy trying my best to help the students out that I am rarely by my phone. By calling another person first, it allows time for me to be located. I am often busy processing forms submitted by students asking for financial assistance. That is a great lead-in for my next topic! We here at Arvett University are eager to help out our students. All you have to do is submit the proper form to the scholarship office for only a $250 processing fee. If you are accepted, a $3,500 acceptance fee will follow. We want to ensure that your paperwork is processed correctly, and these fee allow us to guarantee this.

“How are we supposed to pay the fee if we are looking for financial help?”

We try to save you money where we can, especially when it comes to materials necessary for class. Textbooks are another source of concern for students. We believe that it is a waste of money to buy a textbook for a class, only to barely use it during the course. With students in mind, we have taken textbooks designed for students in general and customized them for our students for each class that they will take. For the students’ convenience, most books have been split into multiple books. Each book has an automatic $275 fee to go towards those who worked so hard to make the textbooks better for students in addition to the textbook itself.

“How does that save us any money?”

With the textbooks conveniently located at our university book store, there is no need to have to waste your time finding textbooks, only to have to pay a shipping fee on top of it! We wanted to get rid of the need for you to have to go through all of that hassle.

We want our students to gain the most from their education, and part of that is enriching each student’s world view. This is why we have created a humanities requirement. It has been split into eight courses so the student never becomes overwhelmed in course. Each course has a carefully designed set of books tailored to meet the needs of our students.

While it is important to understand the past, we here at Arvett University also see the importance of understanding our present and our future as well. With technology changing faster than ever, each semester students will take a course to update them on the latest in technology.

“Many of us are already up-to-date on technology. It seems inconvenient to have to take a course in something we already know about.”

I’m glad you mentioned convenience, student. The course will be online. Since the student does not have to worry about physically attending a class, there is a convenience fee of $300 per course.

To help make Arvett University your home away from home, we happily provide a variety of resources for our students. We have the latest in technology in out computer lab, which students are able to access for only $4,000. This is a great save for the student who will no longer have to worry over buying the newest technology since it is provided for you. In addition, we also have an extensive library perfect for research papers for only $3,000. We understand money is still a concern, which is why we offer a Student Bargain Access Package. For only $6,000, the student gets limited access to all of the resources mentioned.

Remember, college is an excellent investment in your future. There is no reason to be afraid to spend money when it comes to college. To avoid being poor, you have to become broke first. We welcome you to your new home of Arvett University! TC mark

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