People often wonder which is worse: being in a relationship when you no longer love each other, or not being together when your love is still burning.
I honestly can’t answer that, because I have never been in the former situation. I, however, am very familiar with the latter, and let me tell you that it hurts like nothing else. If there is anything worse than this feeling, God, please have mercy.
There might be tons of possibilities as to why some people are not together, even though both of them are still in love, or at least one of them is. Maybe it is the wrong timing, the distance, the age gap, social status, or maybe people just fall out of love.
When I was still happily together and crazily in love with my ex, I always imagined future with him. I imagined our next trips together, our next meeting (we were in LDR), how many kids we would have, or which city we would choose to spend our old days together. But then, things started to fall apart, or maybe his love just started to fade. And just like a fish caught in a bait, I started to overcompensate for his behavior. I took his lack of love as a sign for me to love him even more, which of course drove him even further away.
Sometimes I wonder why my love is not enough, why I am not enough. How is it that my perfectly and neatly mapped out plan is still not good enough?
I honestly still don’t know how to accept the fact that someone can be your person, when that person is still searching for his or her own person, and it is not you.
When someone left you, but you are still madly in love with that person, you will try everything in your power to make things go back to the way it used to be. After some time, deep down you will feel that it is time for you to let go, but somehow your heart won’t let you, your memories won’t let you, your hopes won’t let you.
So you keep on trying and trying until one day you realize that nothing you say or do can revive the flames. This will be the moment when you force yourself to consciously walk away in the opposite direction from what your heart wants. This, will feel like a painful and slow death.
You will see how scary it is that people and feelings can just change in a split seconds. The person who once loved you can be a totally different person when they don’t love you anymore. It’s eerie.
I understand now that life is not a fairytale, where every story has a happy ending. The cold hard truth is that you will have to live with this heartbreak for quite some time. You will have to constantly fight the urge to call or text him, you will have to fight the tears from falling down when you hear certain songs.
I have learned that the pain does not actually go away, the pain will still be there, engraved in your heart. But over time, you will learn how to live with it, and to not let it bother you anymore.