A List of Things I’ll Never Be Able To Do

woman under white cloth
Yoann Boyer / Unsplash

I will never be able to stop looking at you. Truth is, I’ve spent a lot of time doing that. Whether it was in the hallways that were lined with dismal shades of green, during the long rides home, or when I saw you again for the first time, I was always looking but never caught your eye. Sometimes it’s better to watch from a safe place so you never have to lose.

I will never be able to admit how absolutely beautiful you are to me. I know “handsome” is the correct term or whatever, but beautiful just means so much more. I’ve seen you grow up over the years, and “handsome” won’t cut it. I’ve seen you upset, I’ve seen you happy, I’ve seen your not-so-great days, I’ve even seen you drooling in your sleep before. I don’t think there’s ever been a time when I didn’t think of you as beautiful.

Never would I ever keep my hands off you if I could. Not in that way, don’t even go there. I mean that I would never stop tracing your fingers with my own. I would never let go of your hands — if I could hold them forever, I would be just fine. In all the years that we’ve known each other, the most physical contact we’ve had is when we sat shoulder to shoulder on the school bus. Isn’t that strange?

I will never be able to tell you how much I wish you had been in my life every day since we met. The fault is my own, I know and I accept full responsibility. Do you even know how many things would be different if you had been around? Everything. I’m not the type to have regrets, but I do regret not inviting you into my life the way I invited the people who eventually twisted my words and broke my spirit. I don’t think you would have done those things.

I could never, will never, tell you that everything about you feels familiar to me. It always has, and it might always feel that way.

But perhaps the most important things that I will never do for you are simple.

I will never say your name, I will never hold your hand, I will never tell you that I love you, or make you breakfast in bed. I’ll never laugh with you, or play video games with you, or watch your favorite shows with you.

I’ll never tell you enough that I’m sorry that these words didn’t reach you sooner. We are victims of circumstance. But I never planned to admit to you that I was absolutely falling for you, or that when you opened the door to your apartment after so many years, I knew I still felt the same way.

I will never be yours.

And you will never be mine. TC mark

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