Why In The World Would You Ever Love Me?

man kissing woman on her forehead
Toa Heftiba / Unsplash

Dear Future Husband,  

I’m sorry that I didn’t wave back at you when you passed me on the street last week. I apologize for looking quite bummy when we ran into each other at our local grocery store yesterday. I’m sorry that God is giving you a sincerely apologetic smile every time I walk right by you, knowing that He molded me into the chaotically beautiful mess that I am. I apologize for all the times I’ve argued with you, not knowing that you’d one day decide to make me your wife.

And I’m sincerely sorry if I haven’t met you yet because I’m too scared and stuck in my ways to be where you need me to be.

The truth is, I’m a little scared that I’ve either already convinced you that I’m the biggest dork in the universe, or that I’ll meet you and not know how to love you. What even is love? I mean, it’s not like when you were 15 and you went to Claire’s to buy a double-sided heart necklace to declare your love. Don’t get me wrong, I’m a sucker for heart necklaces *hint hint* but that’s just not how it works anymore. How do I even know you love me? I have questions. Lots of them. But before I can ask them, I have to know you.

Are you the boy I saw in Walmart last week?
Are you the guy from work with the pretty eyes?
Are we best friends?
Or are you somewhere across the world daydreaming about meeting me?

Over time, you’ll learn that I can tell you all about potassium chloride deposits in the deserts of Utah. You’ll realize that every single time the stars are out, I’ll point out all of my favorite constellations, even though I know you know which ones they are. You’ll figure out that I giggle too much, and I sing too loudly, that some days all I want to do is be outside and other days I want to stay in bed. I’m a little bit of a lot of people wrapped up into this tiny body. One morning I’ll be the goth queen you always dreamed about when you were 12, and that night I could be a princess straight out of a fairytale. I’m a little chaotic like that.

Speaking of chaos, if we’ve already met then you already know that I’m just a little bundle of happiness and sunshine…occasionally. I have rainy days, just like everyone else. If you’ve witnessed them, I truly, sincerely apologize. I probably ugly cried and got snot all over you. Please forgive me. On that same note, you’ve probably realized that my hair is a curly, colorful mess at all times. You’ll probably find little green/purple/pink/whatever-other-color-I-choose hairs all over your clothes, don’t say I didn’t warn you. Some days I’ll want to stay in bed and read good books, I hope that’s okay with you. Actually, I hope you like to read too. I hope you’ll bake cookies with me at 3am, and I hope that you’ll be patient with me while I read my writings over and over again until I’m no longer nervous about them. I get nervous about a lot of things, I really hope that you won’t be too annoyed by that.

I don’t know how or why anyone would ever love me, but thank you, whoever you are, for being the one that loves me for me one day.

Thank you for putting up with my mood swings and my worst days, and for being the one that shares blankets with me every night. I’m not quite sure if you’re already in my life or if I’m going to meet you outside a fancy restaurant one day ten years from now, but I am sure that you’ll be amazing and that you’ll answer all of my questions with patience and a whole lot of understanding.   

Did we meet at summer camp, or will we meet in a café?
Have we laughed together already, or will I make you laugh by tripping over my own two feet? Who are you?
Where are you?

And why in the world would you ever think to love somebody like me? TC mark

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