I always wondered why I was so sad, why it seemed like my whole world was a constant shade of broken and bruised, why a smile felt so foreign on my own lips. It’s taken some time, but I understand now that it wasn’t some flawed piece of my brain that kept telling me, “hey, nobody cares”. All these years have passed, and I’ve finally learned that it was myself that made me this way- so inexplicably sad.
Maybe self-harm isn’t just slitting your wrists, pulling the trigger, or taking the leap. Maybe self-harm is the way your thoughts eat you alive at 3 in the morning because it feels like you are the only person in the entire world who is capable of loving you, maybe self-harm is loving a pretty boy (or girl) who never intended to love you, or maybe self-harm is the way that we examine ourselves in the mirror and wonder how much a tummy tuck or a nose job would cost.
Maybe self-harm is the way you talk to yourself negatively when you don’t look like the girl you passed on the street on the way to work. Maybe it’s the way you guilt yourself into not eating that extra snack before bed, because you just can’t afford the calories. Or maybe it’s the way you let him (or her) treat you like you’re disposable, like you’re nothing special.
How could you?
How could you let yourself live like that? How could you make yourself so sad over things that won’t be important five years down the road? How could you let anyone treat you like you’re not amazing and unique and important?
I know how.
You thought you didn’t deserve better, right? You’ve lived your life this way for so long, that any other way would just be weird.
But let me tell you, when you identify and let go of negativity and toxicity in your life, you’ll be grinning ear to ear.
Let me tell you that the extra skin around your waist is not ugly. Let me tell you that a boy (or girl) who can’t make the commitment to love you is not worth a single tear. Let me tell you that comparing yourself only deepens your frown lines. Let me tell you that an extra snack will make you happy, eat one. Let me tell you that anyone who has ever treated you like you are not the moon and the sun and the ocean and the skies does not deserve your love.
You are the only person in the entirety of the galaxies at this exact moment who is capable of taking care of you.
Not taking care of yourself is self-harm, even if society doesn’t recognize it to be.