The Pull Of These Heartstrings

I shouldn’t care, but I do.

I shouldn’t feel anxious, but I do. I shouldn’t feel heat brush over my whole body as my hands begin to shake. My heart speeds up. In my mind I am okay, but my body says differently.

Thoughts enter as I question what I thought was the truth. Do I still care? Should I still care? It’s hard to admit to anyone let alone myself that I can’t help but still feel these emotions. Embarrassed by my body’s reaction to something my mind has gotten over long ago. Embarrassed by how deeply I ended up feeling for you. That I am still affected in some way. That I still react to you. Uncertain of where it stems from. I question. My heart is playing tricks on me.

I struggle with parts of myself that I praise. The ability to be okay with you. I want you in my life. The ability to be friends with you. But can we always get what we want? For the first time, I feel as though this might not be possible. I was starting to fall. I’m not ready. Still afraid of my reactions. Intimidated by my emotions. Scared of you. And my ability to place you in this new location in my life. wow. This is a first…

I don’t want these emotions anywhere near me. I don’t want you anywhere near me. That carefree friendly nature suddenly shut down, forced to feel bitterness. Forced to feel.

Self-conscious. Uneasy. Uncomfortable.

The heart holds too much control. Scared of its power, I run. It’s quite easy, you know. To speak the words directly from your head. The words that make sense. The words that you know are rational, realistic, and true. All while feeling the pull. The few tiny strings that are still left with him, pulling just a bit harder when he comes near. Mad that your good sense can’t cut it free.

They linger. You’ve moved on. You’ve moved on quite well. Ready for the next. Knowing the next will be better. You’ve grown. You’ve learned the lessons. You’re more ready than you were before. Aware of what you are looking for. You’re happy to be free. He’s lost you. He didn’t really even know you, not all of you. You don’t want him. You’re ready for more. All these thoughts exist. All these feelings exist. Simultaneously of one another.

Empowered. Happy. Free.