We’ve all had (or been) that shitty roommate who doesn’t do their dishes, who has really loud sex at inappropriate hours of the day, clogs the drain with their hair or borrows your stuff without asking and ruins it. But I have a roommate whose level of annoying is akin to psychological warfare — she’s not intentionally malicious but is, I believe, slowly and intentionally driving me insane. If I don’t talk about it SOMEWHERE I may set her on fire. And I like to think, optimistically, that I have a bright future that doesn’t include arson, so here goes.
We share a room. Literally. Bunk beds included. Not an exaggeration. I sleep in the bottom one, in a cave of sadness and hatred. She sleeps on the top and moves an exorbitant amount in the night. I’m constantly living in fear that said bunk bed will collapse a la Step Brothers.
1. She goes to bed at like, 8pm every night. Maybe an exaggeration, but probably not. Doesn’t she realize that the best and most productive hours of the night are best to come?
2. I have class at nine am every day and hers starts at two, yet she always sets an alarm for seven am BUT NEVER GETS UP.
3. She moved in before me and therefore has the better bed, better desk and better closet.
4. I’m a full time student and work 30 hours a week on top of that. She goes to class and then comes home and plays Bejeweled.
5. She’s a mouth breather, and either she grinds her teeth or she has a pet pit-bull up there with her that she has done a very effective job of hiding from me that only makes sound at night.
6. Sometimes I’ll be sitting at my desk with my headphones in doing an assignment and she’ll just stand a few feet behind me and stare at me. Sometimes she stands even closer and reads the screen. Other times she just STANDS there and mouth breathes. ITS EXTREMELY DISCONCERTING.
7. Once I ate some of her hummus when I was drunk and she didn’t even get mad at me. I TOTALLY DESERVED TO BE YELLED AT FOR THAT, which leads me to believe that she’s secretly harbouring some chickpea-fuelled grudge and is just waiting for the right moment to exact her elaborate revenge.
8. Whenever I have a song stuck in my head and sing a bit out loud, she immediately joins in off-key and sings the entire thing all the way through regardless of the circumstances or company.
9. She constantly tries to cuddle and hug me. I’ve actually walked in the opposite direction of her outstretched arms before and felt terrible about it, but not terrible enough to go back and hug her.
10. Every time she goes out of town she only lets me know a few hours before she leaves and then makes thinly veiled references to the fact that now I can have sex in our room. BITCH I CAN’T BOOTY CALL THAT QUICKLY GIVE ME SOME ADVANCED NOTICE.
11. She is 100% socially inept but follows me to almost every social gathering I’m invited to.
12. My level of annoyance at her is distinctly disproportionate to her actual actions, which makes me feel like a terrible person constantly. It’s very draining. My life is so hard.
13. In short, I think I may be a terrible human being but please god, someone tell me of a cheap studio in NYC that I can move into immediately. I’m begging you.