There is nothing as heart-wrenching as missing someone you don’t want to miss. Nothing as painful as constantly telling yourself that it is finally over. Nothing as paralyzing as thinking you have already moved on and have forgotten.
But there is nothing more excruciating as missing you. I miss you. A lot.
Making myself believe otherwise always backfires, because the truth is I still do, even if I don’t want to.
I still look for you in crowded places, whenever I feel alone in the company of strangers. I still listen to the sound of your voice even though its reverberation only meant silence. I still long for those conversations we had, laughing at the sound of our silly jokes and sharing silence in our deepest thoughts.
Do you miss me as well?
Maybe, maybe not. Do I really need to know?
What would I look back for? We had happy moments we shared and ended things where they should have ended. I know there is a reason why we only remain in the empty spaces of my memory. Why we left without seeking the reasons why.
I know you never meant to hurt me and to blame you for all the pain I felt would be unfair. But seeing what we both built fall to the ground left my heart shattered in pieces.
I should not have seen the good in goodbye. I should have tried a little bit harder to build it once more. I should have kept trying until we found our meaning again. But trying would not bring what we had back when you already decided you didn’t want to stay.
Would it still be worth it to decode the words you didn’t say and wish I had foreseen you walking away? When all we ever wanted was to move past this and wish each of us the best of this life.
You once told me to chase all the things I deserve. So when you walked away, did you wish for me to chase you? Or did you intend for me to realize I don’t deserve you?
I am still in pain, thinking about all the promises we once made. But the pain I feel in my heart keeps on coming back because I always miss you even if I don’t want to. I battle with my own thoughts because they only scream your name.
What should I do? Tell me, should I forget about you?
I know you have already forgotten about me. I don’t blame you for choosing what you believe is best for you. If it’s not me, then I probably need to let you go.
But missing you keeps me from moving on with my life. I always asked the same questions I already had answers to. So today I am doing this for me.
I am turning my back away from all the memories we had, even if they left a mark in my heart. I am walking away from you.
I will stop missing you, even if I don’t want to.