How To Be A Complete Douche

Never call your mother. Don’t text back the person you’re sleeping with; make sure you wait at least five hours before returning the texts of the numerous people you’re sleeping with. Don’t spend Christmas with your girlfriend or your family. Spend Christmas at a resort with your bro friends and tweet about it. Check in on Foursquare.

Take pictures of the food you’re eating in other countries and post them on Facebook. Take your time ‘figuring out your plan’ while your aging parents extend themselves to pay back your student debt. Brag about your dick size. Brag about your game. Brag about how many beautiful women you have been with this week to the woman you are drunkenly going home with.

Pursue a woman and then lose interest when you finally earn her reciprocation. Go home with a woman, pet her cats when you get in her door at night, and wait until she’s sitting in your lap taking her shirt off to say ‘I’m not really looking for a girlfriend.’ Spend a long time explaining why your disbelief in monogamy is morally superior.  Or just don’t talk about it. Master the phase-out.

Complain a lot about shit getting weird, or people getting weird. Describe in depth how it’s always other people’s fault that you are ‘in a situation.’ Say you’re just too nice to everyone and that’s why you’re not happy. Say your friends are always taking advantage of you and that’s why you don’t find the time to go to their shows or their readings or to read their articles. Be way too excited about media from the 1980s. Militantly defend your right to have a serious interest in children’s cartoons.

You could take a lot of pictures of yourself and put them on Facebook, but if you want to do this right, have other people take a lot of pictures of you. Have a girl take a lot of pictures of you. Be Facebook friends with a lot of very pretty girls who have shy, pained looks, are shown cradling little cameras like they are really looking for something nice to take pictures of. Appear in the pictures they took but never be photographed beside them. Be Facebook friends with a lot of very pretty girls who are too cool to put anything in their profiles.

Say you ‘love geeks’ and then make fun of them. Make fun of your friends for all of their interests. Do this aggressively until it’s hurtful. Then laugh a lot and make them feel like they’re weak or too sensitive. They don’t understand your humor.

Send mass texts that say ‘what are you doing tonight’, and choose from the best option. Ask someone who invites you out ‘who else is there.’  Suddenly be on the other side of town if you change your mind about the option. Don’t answer the people who bother to reply with less compelling options. When everyone leaves the bar to go to your friend’s birthday, stay at the bar because you’re ‘trying to get something going on.’ No one will be surprised.

Go to parties and don’t bring any money and suddenly become interested in making friends with the one person at the party who has something you want to consume. Have really great bonding time with that person only on occasions when you and that person are consuming things. Say you will totally get lunch with them sometime and have a real conversation not-fucked-up and never do it. Puke in the sink.

Go to parties and decide to have ‘the talk’ there with someone you’ve been in a fight with or who broke your heart or whose heart you broke. Be those people who are having a really dramatic intense discussion in a corner or on the roof all night and make all the other guests uncomfortable. Do not let the other person escape. Make sure the other person has plenty to drink. Leave the party once they are locked in the bathroom throwing up and worrying others, and ask the person’s friend to take care of them before you leave so that you can feel like you’re a good person.

Steal coats. Steal laptops. Steal people’s shit from parties. Blame ‘the black guys’ who showed up later. Lie about your drinking problem. Lie about your drug problem. Exaggerate about your childhood. Be a victim. Make excuses. Refuse to believe you’re not a really good person. Talk a lot about how you are not well understood. Talk a lot about how you are a survivor and ‘reach out’ to others so you can help them be more like you. Hit reply-all on emails.

Have, like, a really hard time finding a job right now. Complain about the economy. Don’t watch the news, then complain about politics in vague terms. Be aggrieved. Get other people to make you dinner. Get other people to lend you money. Always have an expensive record collection, no matter how hungry you are.

Refuse to look at girls who aren’t skinny. Have an idealized idea of your future partner that no realistic human being can match. Judge everyone for not living up to your expectations. Blame your upbringing, blame your family, blame your poor Mom.  Only call her when you are drinking with your friends and when she texts you, make fun of how she doesn’t have the hang of it yet. Make websites about how your parents don’t know how to do modern things. Circulate them at your workplace.

Make tumblrs about yourself. Circulate them on Twitter. Insist on being heard. Leave comments on articles complaining that the article was too long for you to have read. TC mark

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More From Thought Catalog

  • Daniel Roberts

    This article was too long for me to have read.
    Just kidding; terrific. Espec the point about texting eight ppl to ask what they're doing, then choosing best option. Everyone I know does that. All douches, probably. Me too. Nice work

    • arnie

      I must be a douche too. I totally do that. Actually this week. I had two options. guy #1, guy #2. I confirmed with guy #1, but shortly thereafter received a text from guy #2. totally blew off guy #1 (original plan), went with guy#2. total douche move.

  • Eric

    is this about you…

    • Ben

      Leigh is infamous for bragging about Leigh's dick size/game

  • Piquo

    Maybe everybody has a person s/he thinks of immediately while reading this. I hope not, but I do.

    • ex

      Maybe everybody sould think about themselves while reading this. Everybody has a bit of douchebaggery inside of them.

  • garp

    are you all of my friends

  • jordanobscura

    every day I am reminded how much I have to learn about being a decent human being.

    • Yodaddy Nine

      yeah my neighbors are assholes too man. U from here?

  • Mershu the Immortal

    I get the feeling the author is the overweight check who is always overlooked in favor of the skinny girls

    • Matt

      Hmm… I didn't get that feeling at all (and no, I'm not being sarcastic).

      • Leigh Alexander

        i have a stellar figure, i'm just capable of compassion

      • Dan

        Yeah, screw you buddy. Leigh's hot.

        Unless you genuinely think she is one of those novelty sized checks you get for winning a prize draw at your local supermarket. In which case, you have other problems.

      • Leigh Alexander

        i might be richer if that were the case

        thanks bro

      • crease

        ya i guess stellar figure doesn't make up for the not so stellar face though..

      • Jorgevega66

        I guess she looks nothing like your blow up doll (fucking loser!)

      • Ben

        Wow, insecure sexist creep AND blind.

      • Yodaddy Nine

        ewwwwwww! compassion is like….. ugh

  • typo

    douche baggery everywhere. a little douche baggery in all of us.

  • Leigh Mary Stokes


  • Michael Koh

    Blame ‘the black guys’ who showed up later.

  • Sarah


  • Matthew Glidden

    Nice catalog of douchery, Leigh.

    There's no “bring booze for party host but later decide to keep it instead.”–I can't be in the clear with that one, can I?

  • Jet Rodriguez

    love your blog <3

    • Leigh Alexander

      oh, thank you

  • Drew Farr

    The best.

  • Erik Stinson


  • i just

    this was good.

  • happyjoyjoy

    happy to have filtered out most douche 'friends'. affirmed

  • Dis

    I can see a bit of myself in there. eeeeeeeek

  • Vit Peyr

    Nice piece, though I must say I was a little disappointed that there was nothing else on this site tagged 'Dick Swinging.'

    • Yodaddy Nine

      dont dis my dance short stack. you need to go talk to jimmy johnson, former super bowl winning coach of the Dallas Cowboys. hes got a small one too, goes on tv bout it all the time

  • Bruno Dion

    There's a douche in all of us.
    Just make sure you don't fill the whole list.

  • guachebag

    the funniest part about this is how it started with being some douchebag fratboy and then ended with being a douchebage hipster haha

  • Spaz

    smack your butt cheeks together while making barnyard animal noises

    • douchebag II

      u are a spaz

  • Bageleater

    You forgot one: “Write a long judgmental piece mixing obvious bad behaviors with others you personally dislike and pass it on as gospel”.

  • Martin Parker

    Tip of the stylistic hat to Lorrie Moore, eh Leigh? Not that it doesn't work very well…

    • Leigh Alexander

      going to google 'lorrie moore'

      • Martin Parker

        An early short story of hers is called 'How to be the Other Woman', iirc, and it uses a similar technique of short, instructional sentences couched in a sort of passive-aggressive style. She is one of the best short story writers around, if you like the form…

      • GuEsT

        I love Lorrie Moore! :-) And yes your right about that!

  • your name

    unfollow someone on twitter but don't tell them why, while keeping them as your contact on other sites

  • Anne

    why is this so good
    maybe i should print and hang this on my wall so i can remember why i'm not friends with certain people and not trip up on disliking them

    • Guest


    • GuEsT

      that's funny! i felt the same way upon reading this…I normally am not a fan of articles like this, but I like this one… I liked the “people who mass text 'what are you doing tonight'” and when someone invites you out saying, “who else is there?”..Being a victim, also a good one and stealing things, obvious, but yes, true. I think I like this for the same reason, not tripping up on disliking certain people…

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