How I Became A Social Media Millionaire In One Week

9/13
Woke up today, thought ‘it would be sweet to be a millionaire.’ Logged onto the internet and learned about ‘social media.’ Seems like those guys are often millionaires. Made the decision to become a social media CEO.

9/14

Cloud Computing

Did a Google search and looked on Twitter for ‘keywords’ and ‘trending topics’ such as ‘leverage’ ‘ARPU’ ‘Adobe Flash’ ‘scalability’ ‘avatar’ and ‘cloud computing.’ Stopped listening to Bruce Springsteen and put on the Arcade Fire. Tweeted that I am listening to the Arcade Fire. Asked people if I should use Last.fm or Pandora to show people that I am listening to the new Arcade Fire and the new National record. Posted a ‘YouTube’ of the National live show on Facebook, wrote ‘what an incredible live band.’

Googling my keywords, found a ‘developer forum’ where someone had made a web app. It was ‘open source’, I don’t know what that means but I copied it and saved it.

9/15
Went to Top Man, purchased a pink shirt, neutral khakis and leather sandals for men. Purchased a leather messenger bag for men. Thought ‘I am carrying a man purse’ as I walked down the street to my studio apartment. Inside my studio apartment I logged into Gmail, made some ‘Google Docs’ about my web app I stole, checked my ‘Google Wave’, used ‘Google Labs’ and ‘Google Sketchup’ to make some graphs and slides, or maybe I didn’t, I don’t really know what those things are, probably it was just Microsoft PowerPoint.

Printed these out, put files and folders into my man purse with colorful pies and information about ‘extensible platforms’ ‘modular’ and ‘scaleable’ things. Printed out an article about ‘virtual currency’. Printed out some research conducted by a Chinese ‘venture capital firm.’ Truncated this to ‘VC Firm’, stood in the mirror practicing saying ‘VC Firm’ in the mirror a number of times. ‘VC Firm.’ ‘Venture Cap.’ ‘VCs.’ ‘Vee-Cees.’ ‘Veesees.’

IMed a lot of my friends to see if they had heard of ‘Double Rainbow’ yet. Walked to my nearest VC firm.

<3 Droid

Went inside to a table of hip young professionals or hip professionals who look young, I was kind of nervous so I couldn’t tell. Presented my ‘business plan.’ Told them about ‘platform monetization via virtual goods.’ Told them about ‘high ARPU.’ Talked about ‘user-generated content.’ Talked about ‘storing in the cloud.’ Talked about ‘avatar-based.’ Talked to them about ‘iPhone apps.’ Talked to them about ‘Android.’

I got $5 million. Went home.

9/16
Went to a popular local coffee shop called ‘Graceful Cow’ or ‘La Piazza’ or ‘Second Cup.’ Installed a ‘Foursquare’ ‘App’ on my new Droid phone so that I could quickly upload my status to Twitter. Tweeted ‘I’m at Second Cup’ with a link to its ‘pin’ in ‘Google Maps’ so that everyone could see where I am.

Five minutes later I tweeted ‘Grande Iced Americano – divine!!!’

Five minutes later I tweeted ‘Who has Pavement tickets?’

Five minutes later I opened my Apple ‘MacBook’ and applied my ‘e-signature’ to some documentation establishing me as a ‘LLC.’ I am officially the CEO of my social media startup. Need to develop a hip name for my social media startup. Seems like cool company names combine an adjective with an animal. Thought of calling my social media startup ‘Rad Dingo’. Thought of calling my social media startup ‘Wild Red Panda.’ Thought of calling my social media startup ‘Savvy Marmoset.’

Suffered existential angst about the name of my social media startup. Being the CEO of a social media startup is challenging in today’s environment [read this on Gizmodo]. Wondered if I should name my social media startup something with a lot of uncommon consonants. Thought of calling my social media startup ‘Xymwho.’ Thought of calling it ‘Ogzumo.’ Thought of calling it ‘Bljendzoo.’

Decided to name my social media startup ‘Greenfire.’

Started a ‘Greenfire’ blog where I posted links to articles from tech blogs. Tweeted ‘Greenfire is live! Many exciting things in store…’

Five minutes later I tweeted ‘Glenn Beck is so full of sh*t.’ Used the asterisk. Need to be concerned with personal branding. Five minutes later I deleted the tweet.

9/17
Bought a second pair of leather man-sandals because I am speaking at a relevant social media conference. Felt nervous so I went up to the podium and shouted at the audience about how their old school ideas no longer work in our modern era.

Networking

I told them ’75 percent of you are going to be out of business within the next year.’ Felt great being ‘ahead of the curve’ and ‘on the ball’ and ‘computing in the cloud.’

Afterward we had a ‘networking reception.’ We drank ‘Yellow Tail Shiraz.’ We drank ‘Arbor Mist.’ We drank ‘Anchor Steam.’ Talked about craft brews with a man in a suit. Talked about shopping at Top Man with him. We exchanged business cards.

That night I called him and asked him to be ‘part of the disruptive revolution’ as my partner at ‘Greenfire’. He was totally down.

9/18
Posted an ad on Craigslist seeking a ‘marketing and advertising intern’. Posted that the candidate would need a Bachelor’s degree and 2-4 years’ relevant experience. Posted that the work would be long and hard but the payoff would be the opportunity to be part of the social media revolution.

Invited potential candidates to meet me at an expensive, relevant fish grill. ‘Checked in’ to ‘Foursquare’ to tell Twitter [via ‘Google Maps’] that I was at the relevant fish grill. A number of young people arrived to interview for my challenging internship opportunity. Told them to order whatever they wanted as my social media firm had just received a large investment. Watched carefully to see whether they could pronounce ‘ceviche’ and ‘tartar’.

My intern

I picked the youngest, most attractive female who also had the most competitive background. She will go far in this business. When I offered her the position I informed her that social media is a competitive landscape and we are a young company and therefore her position will be an unpaid internship for now but possibly ‘down the line’ there could be a ‘revenue-sharing opportunity.’ She accepted.

9/19
My new marketing intern/administrative assistant/receptionist/personal assistant/kitchen maintenance staffer sent out an ‘email blast’ to technology and investment sites today ‘repping’ ‘Greenfire’ and ‘pitching’ me for interviews. Feel like our coverage was very ‘disruptive’, and we are ‘making a splash’ in the ‘social media scene’. When we received a headline that afternoon at the most relevant technology blog [????] we had mimosas in the office [local fusion restaurant from which we ‘telecommute’, made sure to ‘check in’ on ‘Foursquare’]. I am a chill, modern young CEO.

That evening after a hard day’s work we were busy celebrating the announcement of our indefinite ‘closed beta’ when I got the call via my Droid phone from the ‘biz dev guy’ at an enormous technology firm. He told me that ‘Greenfire’ had the kind of ‘agile, disruptive energy’ that his slow-moving, less  ‘scalable’ ‘legacy’ technology firm needed.

I ‘sold high’ to that guy for $45 million dollars. It would have been $75 million dollars except our ‘product’ was still in ‘closed beta’ and our ‘infrastructure’ was in the ‘planning phase’/still being ‘built out.’ We will benefit from the ‘infrastructure’ of the ‘new parent company.’

Paid $5 million back to my venture capital investors. We gained ‘seats on the board.’ I gained $40 million dollars. Going to go to Top Man again. Going to buy an iPad. Still deciding whether to buy a Kindle or a Nook. Wonder which sounds better on Twitter.

Going to take my employees out to a celebrity-owned restaurant [where I will feel proud to ‘check in’ on ‘Foursquare’.] Going to buy my intern Pavement tickets as a ‘thank you.’ Her mind is going to be blown. Might throw in a $25 Amex Gift Card. TC mark

Check out the author’s book “Breathing Machine: A Memoir of Computers” here.

*I’m not really a social media CEO. I’m a video game journalist. This piece is a satire not generally pertinent to the video game industry.
*I stole the ‘adjective animal’ idea without credit from one of my favorite former coworkers. Feel like he’d understand that ‘stealing without credit’ is part of the ‘message’ of this satire/support it.

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  • tracy morgan

    i think i like this more than the console series, it is nice

  • jakerocheleau

    I haven't laughed this hard in months, kudos

  • http://twitter.com/stdoyle stdoyle

    You've made my Friday, well done again.

  • R Kraze

    Hipster Runoff.

  • Madison Moore

    OMG I LOVE THIS OMG I LOVE THIS OMG I LOVE THIS OMG I LOVE THIS

  • Staxk

    you worked with tao lin?

  • Wildcard

    loved it. must try it sometime.

  • wormwood

    It read a modernized American Psycho chapter, which hopefully you perceive as a compliment.

  • http://twitter.com/Almost60Really Paula Lee Bright

    Apologies, as I'm far to old to be here. You are hilarious. What a gift.

    What a gift! Wish I cared about video gamification so I could read more from you. But of course, I'm not.

    So funny! Thanks.

  • http://twitter.com/taylafederer Tayla Dam

    should have just kept listening to springsteen

  • https://organismc.wordpress.com/2016/01/20/how-to-become-a-millionaire-in-4-simple-steps/ How to become a millionaire in 4 simple steps | Organism C

    […] P.S read this: How I became a social media millionaire  […]

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