They Didn’t Cheat On You For The Reason You Think

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Soragrit Wongsa / Unsplash

So many girls and guys come to me when their partners cheat and every single one of them has a preconceived idea as to why their partner was unfaithful.

Here’s the deal, we assume that we were cheated on for whatever our top insecurity is.

If we gained 20 lbs over summer, we assume it’s that.

If we stopped talking to our partner because we got a new job, we assume it’s that.

If we hated their friends, we assume it’s that.

So much worthiness comes into discussion when we talk about infidelity. Whatever we think may make us unworthy, we hyper-focus on that thing.

When I was cheated on, I lost a bunch of weight after, dyed my hair blonde, got a tanning membership, and did absolutely everything I could think of to become so “perfect” that no one would ever consider leaving me for someone else.

This is the way our brains work when in the midst of trauma. We seek safety and we will change anything about ourselves to blend in to make sure we stay safe.

Cheating has nothing to do with the person who was cheated on. Girls and guys can attest to their partners “downgrading” in looks, the “rebound” is very rarely a complete princess. People don’t cheat because someone looks better, or they are smarter, or they are wiser.

Here’s the honest truth about WHY our partners cheat, they cheat solely because that is the path they are choosing for themselves. It’s their way of changing their course.

Sometimes people change their course to ensure they get their unmet needs met, and sometimes because they simply don’t want the life they were living anymore.

People cheat because that’s the path that feels most aligned with them at that moment in time. 

My best friend was in nursing school at the time her boyfriend of years cheated on her for a girl who sold pot. After they broke up, the guy ended up going down a bad path. They just weren’t aligned anymore.

If someone feels bad about themselves, their choices are going to reflect that. 

If someone feels unworthy of a good and healthy relationship, they are going to choose what they do feel worthy of.

If someone wants to sell and smoke pot, the likeliness of them marrying someone in law school who wants to run for president is probably very small.

People become unsatisfied with their current surroundings and relationships when they become unsatisfied with themselves and the role they play in their own life. It is just that simple. 

People don’t cheat because their partner gains weight or dyes their hair blue, they cheat because what they want for themselves in no longer in alignment with what their partner wants, or because they aren’t getting their needs met and they aren’t emotionally in the space to vocalize that.

Realize that people’s actions are a reflection of where they are at, not a reflection of a number on a scale or something that you do.

People’s choices are a direct reflection of how they feel for themselves and what they want in their life. That. Is. It. TC mark

Leena Sanders

Follow Leena on Instagram for good quotes and pictures of pretty places.

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You look back and you just feel stupid.
You can’t forgive yourself for falling
or believing all the lies.
You reread every text.
You relive every memory.
And it all starts making sense —
he never wanted love.
He only wanted attention.
He only wanted validation.

“It’s just wondrous how every time I go through some emotional trauma, your posts are so relatable and it gives me so much hope. I love the writing and the photos. It’s all a pleasure to read. I can’t thank you enough for it, really.” — DM from @ThoughtCatalog Instagram follower

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