We’ve all experienced what it’s like to fall in love. Maybe not with a person, maybe we are just hopelessly open to any object that will attempt to fill us up. Today, today I physically felt what it was like to fall out of love. I wish I could tell you if it has been a process I’ve been enduring the past few months slowly and unknowingly, but I felt it all at once. For me, hurting and mourning was all about the journey and not the destination, I was clueless to where the final destination was, until I felt this, then I was sure, this was it.
So here it goes, I was driving to the park to watch the sunset and I had a Safeway sandwich next to me and a piece of some body part near my chest completely broke. I felt it. I wouldn’t say it felt bad, it just hurt. I took a moment and looked at the sky and instantly my brain thought to itself, “you just fell out of love”. I honestly can’t recall the song that was playing on the radio even though it was just yesterday because this substance that contained such detachment had my body so indulged.
I knew I was out of love because the words my brain remembered being told in no way had any truth behind them anymore. I had accumulated so much of my own definitions and meanings to everything past and presently that were important to me that what he once said didn’t change my mind. I had no altered meaning behind my existence, I was completely set free. The moment I felt like this was so sudden, it felt like havoc in the midst of a miracle. Honestly, falling out of love for me was simply the recognition that the person I once loved wasn’t there anymore. After I realized that the destruction and the rebirth of myself was easy, it was so simple to collapse, and so clean to get right back up. Falling out of love was looking at old moments and feeling that sting, and maybe even desiring the person in those pictures, but it was knowing that those moments couldn’t be re-lived if the character that played half the role wasn’t alive like they used to be.
When we first make a home inside of the stump of love we completely disregard the fact that trees grow, and so do we, and a lot of the time the tree gets too big for us or we outgrow the stump. We know how to adapt; our capability of movement is what sustains us. There’s no way to be in love with the past if we are truly living today. Because today doesn’t consist of laying on white sheets until noon with that person, my today consisted of observing the sky and learning new words I was fascinated with. Within falling out of love there comes a lot of honesty with it. It might even be the first time you practice being completely honest with yourself, it was surly mine.
The person we know in love is not the same person we know while we’re struggling with trying to feel indifferent. The person we know in vulnerability is not the same person we see numbing themselves. I knew that now. I recognized the fact that we are bodies holding our souls in our hands with no direct direction but led by change. That’s who we are. We are meant for change, meant to breathe in suffering and meant to reflect on things that have lost all air. Nothing’s meant to stay, including us. We all grow at different points that is why things break, it’s why roots detach from the ground. I out grew my home in a tiny stump to be forced to explore bigger things. Falling out of love was simply epiphany after epiphany within six seconds, what I loved was gone, it was currently a dead object rebirthed into something that would never satisfy me, something completely foreign. So now the white sheets have turned to pink sheets and it’s so much easier for a craving to depreciate when we are convinced we don’t know what it tastes like.