90 Thoughts That Run Through Every Server’s Head, Every Single Shift

Pabak Sarkar
Pabak Sarkar
  1. Alright, it’s a Friday… it’s going to be a good night.
  2. Wait; there are only 90 on the books?
  3. Our first reservation isn’t until 6:45…
  4. Alright, I guess I’ll polish.
  5. Why are there 10 waiters on right now?
  6. I’m glad I’m the only one polishing…
  7. No, it’s cool, we only have a pooled house… it’s fine that I’ll make no money tonight.
  8. I’m hungry…
  9. Would it be entirely inappropriate to drink before our tables get here?
  10. The bartender looks hot tonight… (editors note: this applies if it’s a male or female bartender)
  11. I wish I were the bartender… they don’t have to pool their tips…
  12. Alright, it’s 6:00….
  13. SOMEONE JUST PARKED IN THE LOT… yes!
  14. I’m still hungry…
  15. Oh, no… it’s an old couple…
  16. Ill let someone else take that table…
  17. At least we have a party of 12 coming in…
  18. I’m so bored.
  19. Do I have a table yet?
  20. Every other section has a table but me…
  21. Thank god we pool tips; at this rate I’ll make nothing
  22. I’m still hungry…
  23. I’m just going to eat one roll…
  24. I’m just going to have ONE MORE roll…
  25. Why did the hostess just double seat me…
  26. There’s 40 other open tables in other sections…
  27. Does she have a vendetta against me?
  28. No, no! DO NOT BRING THOSE OLD PEOPLE TO MY SECTION
  29. Oh, you dirty bitch… what is this mind game you’re playing with me, HOSTESS?
  30. Time to put on the fake smile and talk to people
  31. Oh, okay… you need another moment, let me just go to another tab… oh, you just want me to stand here while you make up your mind.. cool
  32. So, you want the porterhouse for 4, even though there’s only 2 of you?
  33. Yes? Okay, I’ll bring out a whole cow for you.
  34. Okay, time for the old people…
  35. Oh, you can’t hear me? Well, I’m talking AS LOUD AS I CAN WITHOUT DISTRUBING THE ENTIRE RESTAURANT
  36. So, you want the chopped salad, but without cucumbers, peppers, avocado, and tomato… and no dressing?
  37. So, you just want cheese and lettuce?
  38. IS THAT HOSTESS COMING TO MY SECTION WITH A FIVE TOP?
  39. SHE IS LUCKY “THE PURGE” IS JUST A MOVIE BECAUSE SHE WOULD BE FIRST ON MY LIST
  40. I really like her outfit though.
  41. Ugh, it’s so unfair that she gets to wear such cute outfits and here I am in this frumpy waiters uniform
  42. I need a cigarette.
  43. Did she just bring CHILDREN INTO MY SECTION
  44. I fucking hate children
  45. Oh, no ma’am… it’s totally okay that your child just threw a French fry at my face with ketchup on it… Maybe he’ll be a baseball player with that aim! Haha… not.
  46. Maybe, instead of handing your kid an iPad and ignoring it all day, YOU CAN TEACH IT SOME MANNERS
  47. Seriously, cut my eggs out now because I do not want to be like those people.
  48. Oh fuck, my food is up for table 45… I’ll just let the runner bring it out.
  49. Oh, woops, I forgot to ring in their second drink… I’ll do it in a second…
  50. Let me see how their meal is…
  51. Well, miss, you ordered a filet WELL DONE… of course there’s no “red”
  52. I’ll get you another one.
  53. Great, now my manager is going to assume that I fucked it up, even though I didn’t… fucking people suck
  54. CAN EVERYONE JUST CALM DOWN FOR A SECOND AND LET ME CATCH MY BREATH
  55. How is one human expected to take care of 8 tables at once when they’re all on the same fucking part of the meal?!
  56. Oh, you need more bread? Really? You NEED more bread? You know whoneeds bread, sir? THE STARVING CHILDREN IN AFRICA NOT YOUR OVERWEIGHT ASS.
  57. Let me check on table 56…
  58. Sir, is everything okay with your salad? Oh… you don’t eat pork? Well, the description of the salad does say it has bacon bits in it…. I’ll just get you a new one.
  59. WHO THE DIRTY FUCK ORDERS A SALAD WITH BACON BITS IN IT IF THEY DON’T EAT PORK
  60. Fuck this.
  61. I hate people.
  62. Oh, table 90 is really sweet though.
  63. Old people are so cute.
  64. They left me 12%…
  65. Thank god we pool tips!
  66. I’m so sweaty.
  67. Like, it’s not normal to sweat this much.
  68. I haven’t peed in 6 hours
  69. MY LAST TABLE IS ON DESSERTS
  70. I might actually get to go out tonight with friends…
  71. Alright.. it’s 10:56…the kitchen is closing in 4 minutes…
  72. NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!DO. NOT. SEAT. THAT. COUPLE.
  73. Fuckkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkk youuuuuuuu, hostesss!
  74. GUESS I’M NOT GOING OUT TONIGHT
  75. Whatever, at least now I won’t have to do the side work.. there’s 9 other people who can do it.
  76. Of course there’s no one else in the dining room… our restaurant is closed
  77. Oh, haha, no, of course you’re not holding me up for anything important.
  78. It’s not like I’m a human being or anything, assfuck.
  79. God, I’m exhausted.
  80. For god sakes, how long does it take to eat a salad?!
  81. If that girl has another Cosmo I’m more than positive she’s going to die.. She’s like 45 pounds wet… and, ate one lettuce leaf…. I can’t serve her again
  82. …. Alcohol does bring up the tab though….
  83. No, I can’t… I have to have some sort of moral compass…
  84. Oh, you want another drink… okay!
  85. What’s one more drink going to do?
  86. AMENNNNN! They are leaving! It’s only midnight… I can still go out…
  87. You know what… I’m just exhausted… I’m going to go home and sleep
  88. ::texts friends::
  89. I don’t understand why they don’t want to hang out on Monday! Oh, because they have “work the next day”… god, everyone’s getting so old.
  90. I made $250 for 5 hours of work… No complaints here. TC mark

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