5 Reasons I’m Jealous Of Pregnant Women

It’s pretty safe to say that I’ll never have children, and my partner supports this notion in our lives. I’m 28 years old and I frequently think about the topic of having children, since the people around me are doing all that they can to purposely get pregnant. (When did the rules change from “Let’s do everything we can to NOT get pregnant” to “Let’s do everything we can TO get pregnant”?!) With all of these blossoming pregnant bellies that I wade through daily, I can’t help but notice all of the benefits that pregnant women reap and that I’ll never get to experience.

1. Naps.

It’s an automatic assumption that pregnant women will be tired all of time; therefore, they get a free pass from society when they decide to nap at all odd hours of the day. I’m a grad student; I enjoy and appreciate naps, too. But when I miss my mother’s call at 2:56PM because I was napping in between classes/work/writing, I get flak for being asleep at such a crazy time. I guarantee if I were to be placed in a Nap-a-Thon competition with a pregnant woman that I would win. The rest of us are expected to carry on for 12+ hours throughout the day, but a pregnant woman—well, she’s expected to prop up her feet when she can and while she still can. My ankles swell after eating pizza too, ya know.

2. Cake.

Generally, when one is expecting a child, one is given a baby shower. When I hear the words “baby shower,” my mind immediately starts thinking about the free array of treats: cute little bootie-shaped cookies, tiny triangle-cut sandwiches full of somebody’s grandmother’s famous chicken salad, chips and dip, and cake. Saying that I love cake is an understatement. I do not discriminate when it comes to cake: I’m an equal-opportunity cake eater. To have someone give you a deliciously moist confection slathered in dyed and sugared lard is probably the best thing in the world. Sure, I could go buy my own cake, but like most things in life, it’s so much more enjoyable when someone else buys it for you.

3. Beauty.

Have you looked at a pregnant woman lately? If you have, this is probably what you saw: a woman with dewy, clear skin radiating a glow perfectly from within and that highlights her face so magnificently…beautiful, healthy long hair down to her waist that she grew out from the latest trendiest bob in a two-weeks time period…and nails that always look like they’ve been recently manicured. Recipe: mix a woman’s happiness from being pregnant with a douse of prenatal vitamins, and add a dash (OK, maybe more than a dash) of hormones to achieve the perfectly natural look of pregnancy.

4. Cravings.

There’s a bar near my school that serves the best fried pickles in the state of Louisiana. The dill pickles are cut long-ways into spears and then deep-fried and served with a homemade dressing for dipping. These pickles are simply wonderful, and I love them second to cake. I crave these pickles daily! If I’m not craving pickles, then I’m craving nachos, or peanut butter, or ice cream, or some other type of food that I shouldn’t be eating. BUT. If I were pregnant, I wouldn’t hear a peep out of anyone for indulging in these serious cravings that I possess anyway. No one aids in helping me obtain my latest craving, but you lucky pregnant women get a free-pass from society to indulge in your cravings, and sometimes there are even people there to assist in bringing your cravings to you. Tip: Use this pass to your advantage all day every day for the entire nine months. When you’re no longer carrying another human being, you’ll be reduced back to the rest of us in society that are seen as gluttons for eating the entire basket of fried pickles alone.

5. Excuses.

We’ve all stood by and watched a woman use her pregnancy as an excuse. Tired of standing during your cousin’s Catholic wedding ceremony? “I need to sit down; I’m pregnant.” Want to step out of an annoying meeting at work? “I’m sorry—I need to go the bathroom again; I’m pregnant.” Don’t want to carry all of those shopping bags or help bring in the groceries from the car? “I can’t lift heavy things; I’m pregnant.” Pregnancy is the mother of all excuses (pun intended). It gets a woman out of doing anything and everything that she doesn’t want to do. Pregnant women who choose to use this excuse are brilliant. It’s like a vacation from the most annoying things in life without the judgment from society.

Pregnant ladies: A great task has been bestowed upon you (other than that of sustaining your life, as well as the life growing inside of you). That task is to use the five above-mentioned benefits to the best of your abilities. Please don’t disappoint us non-pregnant girls who don’t have the advantage of eating, sleeping, sitting, and skipping out on unloading the groceries without social judgment as frequently as you do.