18 Ways You Know You Have A Jewish Mother

1. You feel full, practically bursting, with food, love, and guilt.

2. So much guilt.

3. You answer to “bubala” and have been called “meshugana.”

4. You’re father is a distant, muffled voice that chimes in every so often to let you know you’re on speakerphone.

5. Nothing is private. You can tell your mother anything, otherwise she will fucking find out… Kind of like a spy.

6. She uses your iCloud account as a tracking device.

7. She’s been logged into your Facebook since your last visit home.

8. You regress in her company. You are incapable of taking care of yourself, and all of sudden, you don’t know how to tie your shoes.

9. No one thinks you are as special as you really are…

10. Except her and she might have gotten a little carried away.

11. When you’re sick, you think you’re dying. She confirms that concern before traveling near or far to spoon-feed you your goddamn matzah-ball soup.

12. The point of your children is first and foremost to be her grandchildren.

13. You live in utter idiosyncrasy as you straddle the impossible. You could take over the world… if you weren’t so lazy and brushed your hair.

14. You miss Manischewitz grape juice and are still strictly rationed on the wine.

15. You’re prescribed an agoraphobic life. The world is dangerous… but you should probably get out more.

16. You share the burden of your social life; you’ve been signed up for so many young Jewish groups that newsletters practically swarm you, Harry Potter-status, by owl.

17. You share the burden of your single life; you’re phone, email, Facebook, and address have been handed out to every Jewish acquaintance within 20 years of your age. A handy, wallet-sized visual may or may not have been distributed in tandem.

18. You share the burden of your life; you claim you want full ownership, but let’s be real, you weren’t raised with the ability to handle that… And thank God!