1. You’ll get used to the smell.
2. The city really never sleeps… but you still should.
3. Don’t look too closely at what’s on the subway tracks before the train arrives. Just don’t.
4. If you have to trip, fall or drop dead, try to do so in the street. A moving vehicle is more likely to stop than a pedestrian.
5. Any contact with anything in the city necessitates a shower… Seriously, any.
6. Cab drivers offer sage dating advice. Here are a couple gems of wisdom:
- If a guy in finance has to choose between you, his mother, and his money, he’ll pick you fourth.
- Don’t be that girl who puts on a show for me in the backseat ;).
- Whatever you do, just don’t get drunk.
7. Any savings on furniture ordered from Ikea will be paid back during assembly with blood, sweat, and tears.
8. Don’t make a face. The 8 million or so residents here are proof: it can get stuck that way.
9. Everyone is in your way, and you are in theirs.
10. Getting cussed out in at least three different languages is a rite of passage, nay, a distinct triumph. Relish in this free version of the Rosetta Stone.
11. You can sob, scream, shriek, or howl for 30 city blocks on your cellphone, and no one will bat an eyelash.
12. The first and potentially only guy to ask you on a real date will be the homeless man who you pass on the way to work.
13. He will also be the first to propose.
14. The next will be from Tinder.
15. Avert eye contact and do not make small-talk in elevators. We are not in freaking Kansas.
16. Citi bikes… HA. Why not light a match in a room doused with gasoline?
17. There’s no such thing as a free lunch. That nice guy who helps you get a taxi will jump in and share it with you.
18. If you walk more than five blocks and have not passed a Duane Reade, you are no longer in Manhattan. It’s a fascist regime.
19. Getting in a taxi at 2AM or later on the weekend is a dead giveaway; the driver will short you on change and speed away with your cell phone on the back seat. Forget about a fucking lost and found.
20. Approximately 50% of those little bodegas are thinly veiled fronts. Enter after midnight at your own risk.
21. Think long and hard before dating anyone who lives in a 5th floor walk-up, the upper west side, or the financial district. Some things are just pure inconvenience.
22. Street food: not so bad. Food poisoning: pretty bad.
23. All of a sudden, you feel like cattle being herded by an obscure evil: Welcome to Times Square. The bright lights burn all hours of the night, much like the fiery infernos in Hell.
24. Any situation in which you find yourself alone in a quiet, peaceful setting is a rare treasure… until it becomes reminiscent of an SVU episode.
25. You’ll find yourself complaining about the city constantly. Then, you’ll visit that friend who moved to Boston and realize you are no longer able to function anywhere else. Congratulations, you are a New Yorker.